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Sat, Dec. 31st, 2011, 01:24 am
What A Difference A Year Makes......

Hello and much overdue salutations. I never thought that this far in the year this format would seem foreign to me but alas, here I am getting on my proverbial bicycle trying to get the swing of things again. It would seem that my ghost like tendencies have full on floated towards to the afterlife seeing as there hasn’t been any new postings on the blog for some time. I know all three of my fans are heartbroken. But seriously, as November blew along with it brought some small anniversaries. The first and most important is the existence of the blog itself. Though it seemed to start with a bang and eventually slowed down to a slow fizzle, the fact that I am still typing words in its paragraph box fills me with overwhelming happiness even if for a small moment. My first ever blog was posted November 11th of all days.  But as we now moving into the frigid wintery gushes and snow of December so we must I change as well. For now I’ll try (extremely hard) to give a brief account on just what the girl who was once known as the Black Miranda has been up to.


Dinah Washington sang it best, “What a difference a day makes.” In my case it was a marvel seeing just how fast the days of the calendar were falling off. And I can hit you with just about every time passing metaphor about seasons changing, clocks flying, solstices, equinoxes, and time springing forward or falling back.  But I’m sure you can understand.

I wish I could tell you that I’ve spent these months whisking away to mixers and fabulous happy hours but nothing of the sort has been happening. Mostly, I’ve been working and ruing the institution known as retail. Seriously, if there ever was an unsung hero to be recognized I’d venture to say that the cashier at Kohl’s or JC Penny should be right up there with the President or parenting. All sharing the quality of being a thankless job. If the customers don’t drive you crazy with idiotic questions and haggling dribble (I mean seriously are you arguing over the semantics of 20% off coupon?) then the mighty overlords known as your supervisors/managers will do it. With their overbearing speeches of raising sells you start to question just what you did wrong in a past life to be cursed with such a position as this. And has anyone noticed your managers’ uncanny ability to talk down to you and make you feel like crap when they’re the ones giving you a step by step play at the most “So Easy a Caveman Can Do It” tasks? I mean, really did I need a five minute spiel on how to put price stickers on shoes? Fuck Off!

Rant aside I’ve been feeling really bad about not updating. I feel this unseen duty to people out there that may even glimpse at this. I’ve always wanted to tell my story and say the things that mattered. Honestly, I haven’t found much that matters in my own life. I mean family and friends aside my life has been uninspiring these past few months.

The quarter that was to be known as the “Epic Era of Dates” had slowly turned from infinite to an impasse. Sometime near October some college friends and I from my organization set off on a trip to Howard University, the unofficially crowned Mecca of all black colligate experience. The foundation for many historical organizations, including mine, had been built there. Even though we had been away from the college life for a while we all decided it’d be nice to take a trip out to pay homage. Little did we know there would be a long road and very uncomfortable bus ride.  After a 12 hour drive and brisk nap later we were all refreshed and ready to venture the town. There were some nice sites and I am not merely referring to the plush green scenery. They did not lie when they said DC was the place to find eligible black men. That aside the festival we went to was energetic, warm, and all very pro-black. I mean wherever they have street vendors selling premium high end hair weave you might as well throw the black right fist up. There were also different orgs there from all around the country. Our organization was especially deep and very welcoming. Our org brothers were such gentlemen I might add. Always making a fuss over us or going to get us something. We could merely blink in response to this seeing as our org brothers back home were less than formal. Again, the weekend was all very “black love” and I really did have a blast. (Accept that my trip mates had all voted that I shouldn’t drink anymore the whole trip and it was only the first day. I forget that I make people uncomfortable with my crude humor.) It was such a pleasure getting to meet so many different people who wore the same colors as me but who live a completely different experience. There was much ass shaking (I mean, did you expect any less from me?) but no potential love connections were made.  And the weekend came to a close with only a spine twisting long bus ride home.


Kind of back tracking a little time before I left for the trip I decided to try online dating. I tried match.com. Let me just pause so you picture my imaginary face palm. What was a fun application to check every once in a while accelerated into a full on social media  obsession. I had to check matches on my laptop. Then get the email notifications. And also get the new friend alerts sent to my phone. After about a week it all got very exhausting and I wasn’t making any connections from all the posts and local searches I was making. By the time the trip to DC had come up it was a welcome break from Match. 

What to say about Match? I guess calling it a “soulless, capitalizing money guzzler whose aims are to feed on the already crippling lonely, desperately grasping at any false hope of a love connection banking that they can treat this like many overindulgent drones by just throwing money at the problem and hoping it will go away” is a bit difficult to state without giving some background.


I will say I was already turned off by the premise of online dating in the first place. I used to despise those commercials with the sappy ass giggling couples dancing. It got to the point whenever I heard the song “This Will Be” I’d be automatically forced into dry heaving. That aside, I was intrigued at thought of merely clicking a button and taking my pick of men. What can I say convenience has always been a downfall of mine? Now note, in those online dating commercials have you ever seen a black couple? No? Well there’s a reason. This website is not for us, I’m sorry. There aren’t many matches to pick from and I mean our proverbial sea of fishes is already scarce. The ones that are on there are either pretty boys looking for gratification, working stiffs that wouldn’t know good conversation if they had those big ass cue cards for them, sad saps whose chances of finding someone is dim in the online world or this one, and trollers; those who look to prey on the weak for their own sexual indecencies.

Now after my month on the website I got a chance to meet three matches. Early on, I got to meet a sad sap. He was a nice enough guy but he just wasn’t smooth enough. I mean if I feel like I’ve got a better foundation than you at 24 and you’re 6 years my senior I just can’t be into you. I felt worse that I went on not one but two dates with him that I didn’t have to pay and still wasn’t feeling him. What can I say? To borrow a quote from Futurama, “I thought I’d like him better on a full stomach.”  The next Match type was the troller. *Eye Roll* When I think of the nerve of this guy. At first he comes off very nice, very open. I liked the fact that I could talk to him openly without feeling nervous. Of course that’s the part of the game. Make you feel safe, like he’s not even thinking of sex. So we decided to meet up. It was my college org pal Prue’s bday so we all went out that weekend. I invited him out seeing as it’d be definitely public and give me a chance to see if he could move. Against my homegirls’ advice I decided to meet up with him for the proverbial “After-The-Club” nightcap. I thought it’d be some White Palace or IHOP, conversation, and potential make-out session in someone’s vehicle. Hey,* shoulder shrug*, maybe I’m just an old romantic. Seriously, though, I’m fully aware of the twenty-something way of doing things where the goal is to live for today. Any ways, the guy unaffectionately known to Robii and me as Mild Sauce or David Ruffin (and yes it is an insiders’ reference) decided to grab a bite to eat. Instead of White Palace or IHOP or any other breakfasty goodness eating establishments we went to Subway….I know! I didn’t even know Subway stayed open that late. So we go to this place, we get sandwiches and I couldn’t finish mine. So he of course offered to eat it like it would be an end to my life if the sandwich were to somehow go uneaten. So I agree to go back to his place….again I know!!! I know I can sometimes be too optimistic but I really didn’t think he was gone try to be on nothing. (Silly Vonnie) I’m thinking it’s easier for us to get comfy and talk. And again I was DTS, Down to Snuggle. I’m thinking if anything were to happen it wouldn’t go past make-out action. Instead, I was met with an hour long chorus of “Don’t you like me?” and “Why can’t we?” To which every response was no. Finally he just broke down and said, “So you really not finna have sex with me?”  Yes nigga, I’m really not finna have sex with you. Mild Sauce got rubbed out of the picture real fast after that. And I was stricken with a thought…there are niggas out there, and do forgive the overuse of that term, that believe that women are giving up the booty for a shot of Patron and Subway sandwich…..oh yea….a half eaten Subway sandwich.

The last guy hardly even needs to be mentioned. A work-a-holic whose lack of personality was less than dazzling. Overall, looking at the outcome, I had decided there were surely better things that could have been spent with that $28 than a month of emails and frustration. Like shoes. Or a jumbo sized pack of Sour Punches. Or a PF Flyer red wagon. Ah….but I digress.


Ok, so where did I leave off? So there I was sailing through life’s ocean dead in the water. Then all of a sudden the jaws of life managed to make it afloat and nearly knocked my raft mates (i.e. besties) out of the little friend “ship” as we were bombarded with something big. It all started innocent, a night out. Back in November (or somewhere around there, it’s been a while since I’ve been able to make it to my laptop). The ladies and I decided to get together in that old spirit of reliving Old Chicago. We were trying to reclaim our glory days. Like last summer when our group was slightly larger (when we were still allowing two annoying ex-members in the circle)  and we got chocolate wasted one July night and ended up having one of the best off the wall nights of our lives. We were trying to evoke that feeling but were coming up a little short. It’s like when you play old video games when you grow up. Link, Mario and Luigi just don’t appeal to you like they once did when you were 9.


Keep up with my thoughts….


what I’m trying to say is that there we were Robii, Nyla, Kylie and I-drinking- chugging down some death tasting alcohol Svedka, Jack Daniels, Smirnoff maybe? Does it really matter? Doesn’t all liquor taste the same in some instance, it all burns like shit when it goes down and leaved you begging your stomach to keep it down.  We were there full on Waiting to Exhale stance….ya know at the end when they toast and the scene turns all slow motion and “Count on me through thick and thin…” begins to play? Anyway we finished our toast and all packed in Tuck’s large truck. My ex, Bo and resident Junior member Larry were in tow. Andi and Prue practically tracked us down and decided to join us downtown on Division Street.


Please forgive me…..for the next part may be a bit emotional. It’s like when you’re remembering your childhood and are about to remember the part of your life when you got beat up by your first bully. You’re over it now but it’s still tragic. For you see I am recapping the last time I was ever to walk down the street of Division. I didn’t even know it would be a farewell. I would have tried to remember more about it.


Division for me, had been like the birth of my Party Persona. Like I would have never been the witty, snappy chick I am now if I had never partied there. But alas we must all outgrow our first bike.  Division Street was like my little bike with training wheels….and it was time for me to ride my first Big Girl Bike into real life.

*Back To The Scene*


So we all pile in the car and we’re BUZZing. I mean we’re practically pledging allegiance to the Sears Tower lol


We were saying what every Chicago City person says when they’re on the way to Downtown Lake Shore Drive, “I fucking LOVE this city!” We were trying to get hyped for the night. But all that buzz came to an immediate stop once we stepped on the street. Walking down Division didn’t feel the same. We weren’t seeing the usual types of people. I mean we had been gone for like a month but we would have never guessed that the street would have changed its setting so soon. We were even more surprised when got to our favorite place to start the night, Funk (and take note this will also be the last time I ever mention this place either C’est La Vie), and discovered that we didn’t have a clue who the bouncers were. We couldn’t believe it. You don’t understand we had been there so often we had memorized all the staff there. I mean even the temp staff that worked once a month. But we hadn’t a clue who the new dudes were. We all of a sudden felt vulnerable. We were banking on going to Funk because we knew we’d get in and would pretty much be able to do whatever we wanted but we didn’t think we’d actually have to TRY to get into Funk.

                                                                                    Needless to say we didn’t get in. We thought we could just joke and party rush in there like we usually did. They wasn’t going. So we tried to go to another place. This ended up being our demise. Little did we know the police had already spotted us long ago and just knew we would cause trouble. They were basically waiting for us to do the slightest thing so they could kick us off the block. I had gone into a bar expecting the whole crew to be right behind me. When I had been waiting in the bar for ten minutes and didn’t see a familiar face I knew something was wrong. I rushed down the long wooden stair case to get to the street. It was like watching a riot right before it’s about to start. I could see the aggression growing in my dear friend Robii’s face. I could see Jerry, the fool that he was, trying to play cool to calm the situation down. It was too late. Robii had lost her limit and Nyla was right along with her. They made such outbursts. They spared no rebuttal to the police. They said what they truly felt about the police which no one, especially black people, are supposed to do. We all know we don’t trust the police but you never tell them that you don’t trust the police. They had what they wanted, which was to apparently get rid of all the troublesome black patrons on Division. We hadn’t known it at the time that night, but apparently there was a rally that day on violence against blacks in the downtown area. They were afraid some radical supporters would come back that night and try to start something that night in order to make the news. Last I checked I could barely find a job or use for the magical college degree they all told me I needed to get. I wouldn’t necessarily call myself a “radical.” A NEET maybe (look up NEET, you’ll feel smarter) but not a radical.

Keep note again that this might be mumbo jumbo to you but it all makes sense to me lol


Anyway, I got downstairs and there Robii was arguing with three police officers. Jerry was trying to calm down the situation. But it didn’t help, next we know Robii is hitched in handcuffs and being whisked away to a police car. We of course are freaking out at this point. What the fuck? What had happened to the spirit of the night? Where was Old Chicago? Y’know Old Chicago when you could do minor crimes and get away with them because we all knew the Chicago PD had bigger cases to deal with. I thought we’d get off with a warning, verbal lashing at most but shit was officially made real with the image of Robii standing there in the most sickest of sickening dresses, full on pissed off model pose with her hands cuffed behind her back. I mean girl was serving  Angela Basset pissed off look in Waiting to Exhale when she burned all of old dudes clothes. But I digress lol I’m just trying to get you to picture the scene.

So there’s like two cops talking hella shit to Robii. Nyla and I were trying to find out what happened but also secretly distract them so Robii could walk away unscathed. But that was soon marked as a no go. The police were intent on making Robii an example. There was one policeman who was trying to secretly help us out by dropping clues of what she would do. It had all grown too much for Nyla to take. I guess she was more innocent than she once believed. I don’t think she could take the fact that we’re trying to do good things but still being met with such hardships. We truly did get all the tough breaks. Long story short, Robii had come out the ordeal with a disturbing the peace ticket which in the grand scheme of things was fair adding up all the stupid shit we’ve done before and never got caught for. Of all the illegal shit we’ve all done whether together or alone we all should be sitting on some jail’s cell block. But it still managed to suck the life out of our night. It was like going home after you have a one night stand. You have a fucked up walk because your feet are killing you at this point of the night. You’re still trying to hold it together even though you know at this point your hair is flying and looks crazy and you probably have some form crust or white dots placed in an awkward place on your face.  You wonder just how the hell you got here at this point of the night again.

I didn’t like that feeling. Not because you’ve done something wrong but because you began to unravel and regret a lot of the risky moves you’ve made in your life. I additionally didn’t like it because it started to make me look at some of my friends in a negative light. My friends are like my favorite teddy bear. You know there are stains but you love the overall feel of the bear. But once you look at the teddy bear under a better light you see that it has a lot more tears than you thought.

I was there walking silently wondering just why in the hell every time we went out something crazy had to happen and all our dreams turned to shit? Why were certain people playing right into the bullshit? It’s like why couldn’t you just let that go? Then you start to notice certain things about some of your friends’ characters. You start to ask yourself who really has your back and just who wasn’t anywhere to found. Who were the people right there talking shit with you and truly ready to go down with you? You realize the limit of some friend’s love for you. It was all uncomfortable. And I didn’t know whether to call people on it or just set it to the side when things were more serious. In the end I made up with one or two friends. We decided it was a moment of weakness for all of us and that the screams and fights we had within our circle were equally as meaningless. Some friendships were really never mended.



Unfortunately, the devastation of that night had not dissipated. It followed us to a night that recently happened for Robii and Nyla’s birthdays. I’m not gonna go in depth after that long ass extended metaphor.  Long story, short we went out to a place that in my opinion we had no business being but when it comes to my friends I try to stand behind their choices. We go out and some of us got entirely too drunk. The police got involved and one friend ended up leaving without saying anything and I was sure like hell we were all going to fucking jail. But again we ended up escaping by the skin of our molars but this time some friends weren’t easy to forgive. For some of “the circle” that was a last straw.  It’s like for real? Are we still doing stupid shit at our age? We should be able to get over things like that and not freak out. I’ll admit I was pissed with a few members of the crew. And I wanted  to call them on that shit. It wasn’t like I wanted to end the friendship over something so simple but I needed a much needed break from my besties after that. And in that time I had a chance to think about where I want to be in life and where exactly my friends fit in that equation. In the end I decided that even if my friends sometimes do boneheaded things and acted foolish when they really ought not to, they still were important in my life. The three or four close friends I have in my life have really been there for me on some of the biggest life changing moments of my life so far. Things like leaving for college, heart breaks, seedy sexual encounters, and the dark places where deep secrets hide. They had truly seen me, Shavon, for the true person I was beneath the sass and facade it was freeing yet scary. If they could over look my many bouts of selfishness then who the hell was I to try to call them on being themselves. I said it before and I will say it many times after you’ve got to accept your friends for who they are. You can’t try to always make them grow up, sometimes you’ve got to love them for their natural crazy selves.




My original purpose for this blog was to chronicle the stages of my “Humping Strike” and hopefully fill readers’ drab days with a bit of humor.  And I still want to do that. I’ve just got to take some time to redirect my strategies. I’ve always been the type to have a head full of ideas but with no clear cut direction to go. I’m sure you can relate. Because of things like bad dating experiences, a bad job market, escalating nightlife incidents, and just overall drab periods these things have left me less than inspired. I guess what I’m trying to say in so many words is that next year I don’t plan to write. I know it’s probably not exactly breaking news to some of you seeing as I’ve been gone so long and I’m sure that you all have fun-filled lives of your own but for me saying or even just planning not to blog next year is a real bummer to me. It’s a way for me to vent out my feelings in a cool creative way. It’s a way to connect with those I hold dear and at the same time highlight their presence in my life. I’m planning to rest up for the first couple months of the new year. Really start hammering out some other short story works and ideas and come back circa March or April with some really cool stuff. I really wanna go big! I’m thinking possible websites and expansions.  Just like Carrie Bradshaw with New York, me and Chicago have a thing going on. We’re sort of at a low point right now but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to quit this wonderful place. I just need to get out there and experience more of it so I have something to share. So all this just to say that *in my dramatic voice* if I should happen not to call or speak to you in the hallways…or write in this case….don’t forget about me lol


Who knows? All this could be an unnecessary declaration. Seeing as it’s currently 3:30 in the morning and when I should have been getting ready to go to bed and instead of powering down my computer down for the night I chose to instead crack it open and type the words in front of you. My muse just may come back to me and the New Year could hold many more new possibilities than we ever could have hoped.  

Well…I guess there’s nothing more for me to say. If I could leave you with any thoughts it’s this, life is so much bigger than what we see. Take time to marvel at something. Find something to believe in with your whole mind and soul. Get lost in something. Explore it as much as you can. And when that’s done…get lost again.

Here’s to getting lost.

Vonnie Out.




***VonnieBGoode Presents an Extra Addy Thing***


So some of you may be wondering what is exactly in store for the incomparable Vonnie this year. I mean I’m like Willy Wonka….what will she think of next? I’ll tell you one thing denying sex is nowhere on my New Year’s Resolutions. In fact I’m planning to drive into some sex for the New Year. I’m talking January 1st 12:01 I’m am texting someone for a nightcap. Mama needs a nice penis immediately seeing as forever in my life 2011 will be the entire year I went without sex. But hm….what will I have going for the New Year?

NY Resolutions

(taken from my personal sticky note planning pad)


1. Get Laid

2. Become a Ridiculous Skinny Bitch

3. Write Regularly

4. Explore More

5. Save $1000

6. Write My "Bucket List"

7. Organize My Finances

8. Become an actual Functional Adult

9. Have a Life Changing Experience

10. Solidify My Friendships/Relationships


 What are you plans for the New Year? Are you finally gonna learn to sew? Or have one of the greatest sexual experiences of your life? Moving in with the love of your life or finally going on that road trip you’ve always dreamt of? Comment here or shoot me a tweet at @VonnieNClyde (*note this is subject to change in the future seeing as I’m always changing twitter names. A note will be made in the event that this twitter name is no longer valid.) Or you can hit me up at VonnieBGoode@yahoo.com (this on the other hand will never change lol) Happy New Years Everyone! Auld Lang Vonnie! Or is it Auld Lang Syne? Who cares! Love you and see you on the other side of 2012.

Fri, Sep. 9th, 2011, 01:20 am
Need for Speed (Dating)

Greetings and much overdue tidings my wonderful little minions! It’s none other than you leader in the driver seat Mother Major here.  And as if I haven’t been Casper-ish enough I’ve somehow managed to be even more ghostly.  Was anticipated to be the most active month yet, turned out to be anything but. Here I am all strapped in and ready to burn rubber only to be reduced to mindlessly doing donuts in the parking lot that is my life. Though things didn’t rev up as planned there were still many moments of greatness and of course lots of lessons to learn. So there’s the age old question…where to start from. I think I’ll place this entry somewhere between end of July, beginning of August.


For most people any signaling of getting older is a cause for dismay. Nothing sets off that cataclysmic reaction quite like when the calendar brings about birthday time. But for me, unlike most people, my birthday was cause for much celebration. To date, I’ve made it a point to never work on or near my birthday for that matter lol I’ve been known to have birthday days, weekends, weeks even! Yep, all the egomaniacal behavior stored up throughout the year is used and dispensed when August 7th rolls around. Also, a common practice of my birthing celebrations has been the announcement of themes. This year was no different. I figured since my name’s Vonnie Rocket and I’m always looking off into the future why not get futuristic on em’. I had been wondering what to call my theme for 2011 when I was watching the nostalgic first season Project Runway marathon.  As I marveled at how fashion forward their looks of 2005 still was I noticed Kerasan’s line inspired by Amelia Earhart. And like many other times before when brilliance was so humbly bestowed upon me in the form of an “aha moment” I essentially used the name of her line in facsimile (that means I copied it lol) And so the Futuristic Fly Gurl Birthday weekend was created. Now, I’ve been getting word that majority of my blog entries have more than exceeded some readers reading limits. So, in an effort to say time and more importantly your eyesight I’ll try to neatly sum up the events of the weekend.

Friday, my besties and I gathered to once again to enjoy ourselves in our own carousal (look I know it’s a weird word. I’m studying for the GRE test ok! I’ve got to apply some of this shit. lol Carousal means drunken fun. It is not to be mistaken for carousel, the fun amusement park ride.)  Though I would like for the whole of Chicago to come out for my birthday I figured my besties where the perfect spotlight I could ever want. Among the guest list was none other than Robii and Nyla. I was excited that Kylie came up to Chicago for the festivities as well as her beau Tuck. I was also excited that my college gal pals Andi and Prue were also in attendance. There was also a newbie to the mentions the junior cadet to the group, Larry. Larry was Tuck’s friend that over time adorably folded into the group. Though he sometimes confused and frustrated me because his lack rationality though to his aged he mostly made me laugh at his stupidity. He was a good guy…and may I mention also very cute. And of course no event of this caliber would be complete without the appearance of my notorious ex beau, Bo. And so, with friends on tow, we were out to the races…or the out to the clubs more precisely. I’ll keep the rest of the synopsis of the nite brief again due to time and the fact that I can’t remember two much of it myself. The whole night was left in my mind like a scrapbook, a flash of different candid pictures. We arrived at the bar.  We danced.  Drinks were bought and forced…I mean given to me. I saw one of my friends from work and she danced with me as I stammered on the floor. And then my mind and eyesight started to diminish I began to go to that magical blurry euphoric place, when the sight and sound are no longer separate but liquefy  into an eclectic mold sort of like when you suck on a toffee. It’s one of my favorite sensations while going out. It’s like everything just runs together in this big beautiful mess. Anyways, enough with the imagery. Good times were had by all but like Weezy says “what’s the world without enigma?” In my case, what’s a party without drama?

Ok, I’ve been wrestling with myself to let my readers in on one of the big eternal battles going on in my bestie circle. Not just whether I should tell you but exactly how.  As buck as I can be I’ve recently reached a point in my life where arguing and fighting has just become tiring. I can’t bring myself to continue to waste energy on things and yes, people, who are not adding to life and well being. With that said, I’ve actually said more words than we even needed. Long story short, I had a friend, the friend said and did some not so nice things. Chances were given, and bridges were constantly being rebuilt. And at the end of it all I just left the damn bridge broken. Can it be rebuilt? Time and fate can only tell. All I can say is that I was glad that the friend in question showed up for my b-day festivities whether it was direct or indirect the gesture was appreciated. See, guys I’m learning control and civility. But you know what, your life can’t always be an open book, some things just don’t need to be said.

Any whoo! We all had a drunken good time! I climbed into a public coin pond and almost got arrested. And somehow the next morning I woke up without any clothes on. Typical Vonnie shit lol

The next day I shot the shit a little bit with Tuck and Kylie until I had to cart myself from the city back to my house thirty something minutes away to prepare for the next part of my vaginal birthing release day the Sade Concert!!!  My dad had netted Sade concert tickets and at the last minute asked if I wanted to go. (He said it was a surprise but I still say some chick bailed on him. Oh well, her lost is my gift.) The concert was amazing and we had awesome seats! Terry Cruz from “Everybody Hates Chris” was two rows on front of us! Sade is a bad bish! Let me tell you that she is shutting all these young girls out here. She gave a hell of a show and she sounds EXACTLY like her albums, exactly. No auto tune needed folks. Just authentic notes being laid down making you feel blown away. My dad was surprised that I knew so many of her songs. Shoot! I’m diverse hunny! I listen to it all; shoot I even listen to music from other countries I don’t even understand. But alas, I digress.  The entities known as Father and Daughter were ever pulled closer and the ultimate bonding was achieved. Special shouts out to John Legend for providing us with a soulful as well as tantalizing open act. I still think it would have been amazing if I could have gone up on stage with him. But I don’t blame him. His people obviously forgot to give him the memo I sent alerting him of my presence. 

The next day, my actual umbilical cutting day was spent with the people who first welcomed me into life, my family. We had a good old fashioned Cake and Ice Cream event circa my fifth birthday when I got my first “big girl bike.” And I FINALLY received the present from me to me that I had longed for, for some time, my freakin Purple Rocket Cake!!!

And thus, the Futuristic Fly Girl Birthday Weekend event had drawn to a close. In the grand scheme of birthday it certainly wasn’t the grandest but compared to last year’s birthday drama (of which I am still seeking therapy over) it was 100 Grand. I was really pleased with this 24th birthday because I spent it exactly the way I wanted to. I didn’t have other people influencing me, I didn’t need direction, it was just Shavon’s, yes Shavon for once, birthday. And it was nice.

Fast forward times a billion! Or rather a couple weeks and life had pretty much dragged back to normal. The operative word being “dragged.” It’s like the horse that you had so much promise on in the races all of a sudden just stops and takes a crap on the race track. Days that were meant to filled with drinks and mingling were instead filled with work and crappy mall food in the food court. Time that was meant to be going out and clubbing was instead spent at home sitting on my bed watching instant movies on my laptop. A month that was built was so much promised had suddenly cracked and broken at the hinges. You lied! You lied to me month of August! You said everything would be fun. And suddenly left asking myself, “What happened to summer?”  The stagnancy had left me wondering many things about my life. Since gradation I hadn’t been able to nail down a solid fulltime 9 to 5 using more than the basic skills of providing customs with the proper amount of change. I was wondering what I wanted out of my future but wasn’t exactly sure what to do next. Teaching was quickly dwindling in opportunities and I wasn’t exactly in the mood to bang down doors begging to be someone’s paper jockey. Shuffling files from one location to the next. And grad school was always an option. What to do? Life had been cruise controlling along when in the middle of my melancholy I decided I actually did have a need for speed. I decided to take myself on a good old fashioned drive.


Things in my life have always gone pretty well. There have bouts of misfortune and my share of pity party pitfalls but I think I can respect a life that is either inherently good or bad. It’s this middle of the road thing that’s gotten me in a tail spin. It’s like dating and career limbo. Instead of weird baby parts floating around it’s half empty cups of coffee, three word text messages, and unfinished job applications. So I walked down the stairs of my apartment building and put it in drive. I wasn’t sure where I was going. There was this part of me that wanted to reach out as far as possible to sky if possible but there was the realistic side of me that realized that I owned a 16 year old vehicle that made weird bumping noises while I drove.  I eventually calmed down and let the driving route come organically. I didn’t wanna stray too far but I had my phone GPS handy if I needed it. It was nice and oh so characteristic of life. Your stomach starts to flutter and your hands get sweaty. You’re unsure and a little afraid of getting lost. But all of a sudden you get your stride going and you’re just enjoying the breeze. I mean, I didn’t backpack around Nepal or anything but it freed up some blocked chakras. There was this point when I was driving over this big bridge. I was playing this cool instrumental track which served of something like a superhero anthem. And I hit the top the bridge and I swear the sky looked so huge and clear. It was like I could see everything from that bridge. I swear I just wanted to jump out of the car and just sit up there and try to stretch out and hug the sky and I could have done it for hours. Until everything made sense. But like most good things in life we shy away from it. When things are too unfamiliar we retreat into some sign of safety. I kept driving for a while but eventually I decided to turn around and head home. The bridge would have to wait another day to unfold the mysteries of life. But since that drive I made sure to leave a little change in my cup holder. Just in case there are any unforeseen tolls out there. Because you never know when you might feel like another drive.  


With things slightly better but still dragging on I nearly forget about the once sacred purpose that I held for the month of August…dating! Right smack at the end of the month, the last day of wonderful summery bliss was my speed dating event. As amped as I wanted to be, I really was nonchalant about the whole thing and almost backed out but the like a shining beacon of light the fact that I had paid money for this event shone and brought me out of my uncertainty. Shoot!  Do you know how little I make? Every penny I spend needs to be an investment of some kind and hopefully this investment would once and for all get me a potential boo so that I could finally get laid. I perused the closet and finally dusted off a cute leopard wrap dress that I had never had the apparel libido to wear before and fixed myself up really nice. In my opinion I was sickening.

I jumped into the Stratie (my car’s name that’s Strat-e) and headed downtown. A girl who was once very blah about the event was all of a sudden energized. I was finally in my natural urban environment and feeling very frisky by way of the animal print and very chic clutch. It’s such an understatement when I say Chicago, especially downtown Chicago gives me life. There’s so much always happening and so much inspiration to draw from. All the innovation left the room once I stepped into the bar for the speed dating event. It was like some old western movie. Once the tall dark and sickening hero walks into the bar all the activity stops. And I could have sworn when my heels clicked on the floor that I heard a piano key cover being slapped down. I looked to the left...and there were all whites…I looked to the right…and there were all white. It felt like the old nursery rhyme: Color, color everywhere, and not a spot but me. I think it went something like that. I went in a little apprehensive and don’t get me wrong I’m comfortable being me. It’s no new thing for me being the only black person in a group but I’ve got to say I was a little surprised. I wouldn’t mark the average white guy as my normal dating demographic. The place looked exquisite though which meant it was completely out of my price range. As I rummaged through the drink list I had the sudden need to grab hold of my clutch for fear the waiter may try and stick me up, there prices were robbery of course, it’s only natural I be cautious. All I gotta say this sure must be a Caucasian frequented place because no way would you get away with charging black folks $13 for a glass…for a glass…for a GLASS of Moscato. In the words of the bestie Robbie “Can’t even do it dog, can’t even do it!” On the bright side for once in my life I was actually early for something, even if it was accidentally. This resulted in frequent trips to the bathroom to kill time and make any necessary shifting of my clothing. I ended up sitting next to a Middle Eastern fellow who, unbeknownst to me, would be the best matching I’d find all night. We started off with nervous chatter until we started talking about a subject that was dear to both of us, TRUE BLOOD. Once we got going on that we were chatting it up like we knew each other for years. After talking for sometime the bell wrong it we go the signal to start the event. The whole thing was really scatterbrained and as much as I hate to throw people and businesses under the bus I’d definitely have to vote thumbs down on this particular company whose initial premise was being chic and cheeky. They handed you a cart and pin and just let you figure it out for yourself. There was no explanation of how the dates would go. You just got handed a guy and if you were lucky to get in a hello and handshake you were lucky. I met a lot of different guys. One guy must have had at least 50 bucks on him because that’s how much he had to spend on drinks because he was tanked. Her slurred his words and swore loudly and normally if you caught me on a Friday night on Rush Street it might lead to something but in a swanky place like we were in it was just uncouth. I’ve got to say I’ve meant quite a few young and successful guys, they ranged from invest bankers to one of the guys that helped launch Groupon. Then there was one guy that was surely gay. I’m telling you this man was gay. I know a gay man when I meet one. They love me! He was all like, “Oh girl, you know how mean can be.” And I told him, “I’m sure you know a lot better than me.” The event planners must have thrown him in for some spice. One guy acted a like a complete imbecile seeing as he couldn’t concentrate on anything I was saying! His eyes kept roaming around the room whenever I talked to him. I wanted him to dismiss himself from my presence all together. Most of the guys were very commonplace, either that or complete oddballs. One guy wore gym shoes and had his shirt almost completely unbuttoned. I tell you, I could have really used a drink but probably would have had to declare bankruptcy to do so. Overall, compared to a lot of dates I’ve had, it was actually nice. No one seemed like a con artist and nobody’s wife or girlfriend showed up which I consider a successful date in my line of dating. Most of the men were actually attentive and nice to talk to. And it was nice to get out every once in a while instead of staying in and moping all of the time. But I left there knowing my sexual abstinence would surely continue on, there were no panties being dropped off that dating outing.

If speed dating sounds like something you want to try I say go for it! Here are a few things to know first:

Average Price: $25-$50

I only paid $18 using Lifebooker Loot Chicago. If you’re looking for speed dating events in your area I’d simply Google “speed dating” and your city. If you’re trying to get your speed date on in Chicago I suggest chicagofirstdates.com I had actually signed up for another speed dating event but it got cancelled. Even though it did, they handled the situation very professionally not to mention they offered me two for the price of one! They also have specific dating events so if you’re looking for a black male between the ages of 25-33 they got an African American Single Event for you. Plus the pricing is pretty good too.  

-wear something sophisticated.

I find that being overdressed is never a bad thing. It just means you’re looking your very best and there’s nothing with that.

-if you wanna get a buzz…drink something before you leave.

Look, I know it’s not the most glamorous thing to be a little drunk before you get there but some these places practically assault you with these prices. I say have a drink before you go with the intensions of only sipping on one drink.

-Be ready to talk

I know this is practically like telling someone to breathe for women but it’s true. Make sure you have some topics thought of because you may be the one that needs to start the conversation. Also make sure to at the very least have some water to drink and some lip gloss on deck because your mouth will get extremely dry talking to so many people and not getting a break in between.

-Play it safe

I know in the 3-5 minutes you get on each day you may think you’ve found the one but please don’t share any personal information with these men. Don’t mention what apartment complex or even what street you live on because stalking is very rampant today. Any communication you wish to have with a guy will be done through the company you signed up with. And if you two decide afterwards to meet up, hey it’s on you.

-Be open

Hey everyone gets lonely. Just because the guy in front of you may not be your ideal match, hey, at least listen to his story. You never know who you’ll click with and honestly it’s just basic manners.

-Don’t be nervous and have a blast!

I honestly wish I had done more of this on my speed dating event. I guess because it was my first time and was the obvious minority I had a wall up. But I think I would have enjoyed it a lot more if I had just been a little more Vonnie-like.


Well that’s all my advice and non sense for one blog entry. I hope it helps. And I hope this post was long enough for ya! Lol (What happened to my original short post promise?)  Who knows what September will hold for the Dating Explorer? No one knows, but you can bet I’m gonna tell you about it!

Until next time


Vonnie Out!

Tue, Aug. 9th, 2011, 12:42 am
The Single Woman Agenda


As I mentioned a few entries ago I’ve been thinking about the future. And again, I thank many of you for your continued patronage of my blog. And even though my number of readers is less than stellar I still feel as though I have a duty to my readers, skimmers, and just the general single population or otherwise to give you the hard ground facts of single life. You can fashion me as something like a relationship archeologists or a dating detective. I spent the first six months of the year figuring out just who the hell I am and what I’m all about. Along the way I gained clarity, self-identity, and self control. The month of July I took a break from all the awareness and tried to check and reaffirm my goals. I already proved I can stop having sex but now what? What’s the plan afterwards? What’s the gimmick?


Of course, I thought about the things I wanted: love, success, wisdom. And then I figured what I wanted wasn’t very different what all women want. I began to wonder, what do women want? And more importantly, how do we find it? We all want a good man. But don’t expect one to fall out the sky anytime soon. But before I venture out into the deep white north that is dating in 2011 I thought it would be advantageous to create some sort of code…some sort of declaration if you will. Then came, the Single Woman Agenda.


The Single Woman Agenda


“It is EVERY woman’s right to finding their soul mate. All women should have a fair and equal chance of finding the love of their life. If she so chooses, she should be treated with respect, not lied to, and free to explore the possibilities within herself and the surrounding world. Realizing that all women come from different walks of life it is crucial that every woman should be treated as a case-by-case system. Her own unique talents and features should be admired as well her hardships should be supported. And then there’s sex. Yes, sex! Every woman has the right to mind blowing, body numbing orgasms…whether given from a partner or herself. While it is up to every single woman to protect her health, acts of biological warfare will NOT be tolerated. (Everyone should be tested!) Lastly and ever encompassing of these beliefs is a woman’s right to choose. A single girl should be able to choose her partners, her friends, and any accompanying outfits! A single woman should not be put down or trapped in any societal-made categories, boxes, or cast. Every single girl wants and should be loved.”


I know some of you are thinking pretty words but how exactly does it translate? For starters, let’s start respecting ourselves and each other. It’s perfectly fine to explore the dating scene but remember having standards is a must. Everyone is held to a standard, from at work to our children, why shouldn’t men? On the other side of that coin, you simply cannot run a laundry list of qualities. No man is perfect…and guess what, neither are you! You don’t have all your shit together then you should let some things slide. Expecting a man to be Barack is the quickest way to disappointment…and will leave you single for quite some time. Also, remember to build. You aren’t just going to find the man of your dreams and the work is over. You have to do your fair share of work also. Build an empire ladies!


As many of you know I don’t just teach, I do! And so in an effort to help out tens and hundreds and hopefully one day thousands of women I’m willing to go where some single woman fear to tread. For the rest of 2011 I’m planning to throw myself head-first into a crash course of dating experiences.


Here’s the layout:


August: Speed Dating

September: Online Dating

October: Around Town

November: F.O.F. (Friend of Friend)

            December: Viewer’s Choice/Toss Up


August we’ll heat and speed things up with speed dating. September, we’ll explore (safe) online dating, no craigslist for us! October will be focused on finding guys around town! Will we hit on the cute guy in the grocery store? Or give a wink to the hot guy pumping iron at the gym. November, we’ll be putting our networking skills to good use and depend on those wonderful friends of ours for help. Cause hey, you’ve gotta have friends! And lastly, I’ll leave the end of this marvelous year to you, the readers. Did you especially like something through the year or want me to try something you’ve always wondered about? Just leave it to me! Vonnie Rocket here will certainly go where no other single woman has gone before!


But here’s the fine print…I don’t know the future. I can’t see through crystal balls (or any other types of balls for that matter). If somewhere through this journey I reach a point where I need to stop for emotional well being, I ask that you allow me that pause. As women we know how cold it can be out there. You might run into some truly devastating events. On the brighter side of things, who knows? Through this dating excursion where I’m trying to meet men so I can tell you where to meet men I may actually find a man! Crazy concept I know. But if I’m lucky enough to catch Mr. Right half way through…I may have to alter my plans. Oh Well! Here’s to you, ladies! Join me in making the remainder of 2011 just as interesting as my humping strike. Viva la Dating!




Also if at any time you have insight or input please let me know by either commenting here on live journal, messaging on fb @ Vonnie BGoode Coleman, or a quick tweet on twitter @VonnieRocket. Who knows you may be a wonderful co-conspirator in my dating tales!



Vonnie Out!

Tue, Aug. 2nd, 2011, 03:11 pm
It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, MAD World

Kisses my darlings!!! It’s none other than your Mother Major greeting all my little minions out there with a GaGa-esque hand claw. I know many of you have been pandering the future of the blog. I have been a little ghost lately. I assure you that I will not be shutting down the blog. I’ve really used July as a means of relaxation. I haven’t really been clubbing as much or really seeking love for that matter. Instead I have been resting, trying to get back into my faith via Church Fellowship, and just reflecting on life overall! But rest assured that August will surely bring lots of activity! For starters it’s my birthday month! So I’m more than geared up for my birthday festivities and of course reporting the celebration to you. Also, I plan on striking forward with my new post-humping strike plans, my Single Girl Agenda, if you will. Again, I can’t disclose the details yet but I hope that it will prove informative, reflective, energetic, and of course humorous. So what’s been the haps in this single girl’s life since being freed of my 6 Month No Sex Contract? Well of course I’m going to tell you…

Every now and again no matter how great our lives have been, no matter how much we’ve been given we have a tendency to get a lil grumpy. And as women I’m sure many of us can attest to at least 4-7 days out of every month where we feel less than… harmonious. This was true for me about two weeks ago. I don’t know if it was the off again, on again Chicago weather or the lack of sex was finally getting to me but whatever it was it was causing me to have a very negative attitude causing me to be frank and short tempered. It was everywhere I went, work was teetering on assaultive and driving in traffic was practically a battle zone. No longer cool and carefree I managed to find some solstice from the “Negative Nancy” vibes I had been harboring as Robii, Nyla, and I geared up for our Adventure Saturday! Adventure Saturday was simple as it sounded, it was a declaration between friends to take time (one Saturday out of the month) to get the very most out of one day that was humanly possible. It required thinking outside of the proverbial twenty-something box and delving into the hidden treasures of the Chicagoland area. Nyla took the helm and planned out an awesome itinerary. First up, sailing on the seven seas…well, more like kayaking on one Lake Michigan. The day started out well. I managed to get out of the house at about noon on a Saturday! Which was practically dawn to my post-college internal clock. After meeting up with Robii and Nyla we were all set with our extra large day bags and carted off to the North Avenue Beach.

If you know anything about Chicago beaches you know that there are two distinctive types of beaches. Type A beaches were clean, inviting, full of young beachgoers often found jogging or doing some other sport that seemed farfetched in 90 degree heat. Type B beaches were not warm, were not inviting. They did not feature fun youthful beach sports but instead patronized by those who swam in homemade swimming trunks and wore colorful twenty seven piece weaves. The water was not clear and blue but more a mucky grey color filled with plastic bottles and unrecognizable sea weed. Luckily for us we were going to a Type A Beach! It was hot, hot, hot outside and the visual scenery was just as such. There was a sand volleyball tournament going on as well as a beach festival. Being that I wasn’t mentally prepared for exactly what kayaking was going to consist of (referring to kayaking as “the little boat in the water” when inquiring about it with Nyla) I was feeling less than fashionable and even downright dowdy in a pair of plain blue denim capris of course paired with a plain grey college t-shirt highlighting my alma mater and mascot. (If there was ever a time I truly felt like Miranda from Sex and the City, this was it) Fashion sense aside I truly enjoyed myself. I loved everything from the cheery facial expressions of the other beach patrons, to the easy going “Shore Shack” charm of the kayak instructor, to the relaxing but somewhat frightening rowing experience out on the water. While taking it all in I couldn’t help but note that “this” (referring to the clear and bright view of the Chicago Skyline) was the good side of Chicago. As I floated along and let the waves take me away I remembered that sometimes in life, no matter how cliché it may be, you’ve just got to go with the flow. While on the water we proved that girl talk held no boundaries not only in content but also in location as we engaged in light gossip and even managed to get in a child-like kayaking race from point A to point B nostalgia.

After the sweatfest known as kayaking was finished we decided to grab a bite to eat. We drove around the downtown area practically stalking the local eateries hoping to whet our style as well as our taste buds. Since it was such a beautiful day we wanted to exude a “fun-in-the-sun” attitude and decided it’d be advantageous for us to dine outdoors. The first restaurant we stopped at fit the chic theme but didn’t quite fit the bill after looking over the prices. With lowered heads and grumbly stomachs we went on to search for a restaurant that not only fit our mood but price range. After searching we just decided to hit up our “security blanket” of a diner, Hollywood Grille. After devouring what seemed liked the greatest burger in existence (I was especially over the moon about the addition of avocado lol) we decided to get a little culture and hit up one of the big summer festivals in the “Chi.” The Old School Picnic was known for being a good old family fun event. There are many draw-ins for everyone. Parents liked that they could unleash their children out from their normal reins and let them run around freely expelling all that energy so they’d be tired on the car ride home. Married couples got a chance to actually have intellectual conversations with other adults, of which they previously couldn’t because of the addition of more children. Older men got a practical mating ground of young nubile women and a chance to drink bear without being nagged by their wives. And single women like me, got a chance to look at all that Grade A Available Meat known as the Black Male species. Or at least this would have been the draw if we had gotten there on time. Of course dealing with any black event there’s always the looming handicap of “CP” time. Whatever black event goes on from the Bud to the Taste (Bud Billiken Parade and Taste of Chicago, respectfully for all you non-Chicagolites) you can rest assured if you ask four different people about its start and finish time you’ll probably get 15 different answers seeing as time is a different factor for all black people. Some people will tell you when it actually opens, some will tell you when all the action starts, and others…like the people we asked as we walked the outrageous amount of blocks to get to the venue…will only tell you when the illicit activity a.k.a. all the fights and coonery starts. Even though we arrived right as the crowds were leaving to avoid the bullshit and sure traffic incidents that follow every black event we did get a chance to do a bit of people watching and take in the gorgeous sites…by which I mean men.

Not ready to quite call it a day, it only seemed right to experience the nightlife. And let me just gush for a minute about Chicago nightlife. There is no better summit, no better thrill than the right abeyance of a Chicago night. It’s a night when all of the lights and sounds seem to run together, becoming one and the same. Attacking your senses with dizzying sugary hums and buzzing. The timing seems to be off, creating a slow drawl but racing past at the same time. And the humidity in the air is practically an aphrodisiac. That, with the inducing effect of alcohol or any other substance you choose to party to (we don’t judge here at VonnieBGoode) can lead you to feel like you’re stuck in a Drake song and we all know what the melodic influences of Drake can do.

Anywhoo, we sashayed our way to Twenty Something’s Chicago crowned gem of a destination, none other than Rush Street! Now a little bit of geography for my little minions out there. “Rush Street” is actually a shortened name of a location actually meaning the culmination of the intersecting streets and bars of Rush and Division. Most of the bars we go to are actually aligned on Division Street but it’s just a habit to say “we’re going to Rush Street” and mean we’re going to the bars in the general area. Ok, after that little pointer I’ll continue the recap.

It’s a habit for us while we’re on Division to hit up our sentimental and sometimes disdainful local watering hole, Funk. We’re known to get a free drink or two while in attendance and occasionally we’ll stop the show while we playful dance of the stripper poles and maybe even squeeze the ass of a bouncer or two. What can I say? We’re regulars! It was especially slow for the night for some reason so we took to the lounge area to peep out the scene. Finding a beehive of activity via a fresh batch of drunk and horny bridesmaids celebrating the fact that one of them managed to trap a decent man we hit the dance floor and soaked up the energy. Somewhere between a male stripper and multiple drunken white girls grinding on us we needed a little breather. Walking off of the dance floor I noticed what seemed like a cute, semi-nerdy black guy standing by the bar. I went to sit down with the girls and pondered for a minute. I could stay in this funk of my own not meaning the bar we were in or I could work up the nerve and start to chip away at the otherwise dating plunder that has been my 2011 single’s life. I got up all of a sudden and marched right over to the guy. I tried to be innocent and charming by making light conversation. I let him know that I don’t usually approach guys normally and that I was taking a risk hoping to break out of my shell. No Dice! If his face could be compared to a stone it’d practically be a brick wall…it’d be a proverbial Stonehenge in that muthafucka! I was a little off put but I continued in my quest. I tried to bring up other topics and such but it all just seemed really awkward. And as if private embarrassment wasn’t enough he decided to take the show on the road and offered to come back to the table with me and my friends. He brought over a very nice, very white pal of his who decided to entertain Nyla and Robii as I painstakingly continued on trying to break the ice with Mr. Button Up. Things weren’t any better as Mr. Button Up’s friend asked my friends if they wanted a drink. The three get up and walk to the bar and I couldn’t help but make a “sista girl” head snap back to Mr. Button Up in anticipation for his offer. Now don’t get things confused, I’m not the type of girl that trolls bars to find guys to buy drinks. I’ve always been taught to have my own. But is it wrong for a girl to want a guy to be gentlemanly? I don’t think so; I mean a shot is $5. I spend more at Mc Donald’s on a good night. As if some imaginary figure pinched his arm he asked if we should join “them” at the bar. On the way there he manages to get out, “Yea, Such and Such is a nice guy. He’s always treating. I’m not that nice.” At that point I’m like ok, whatever with this shit. I mean his just overall presence was coming off rude as hell. Then this nigga had the nerve to ask his pal why he was buying my friends drinks in the first place. WHA? How you gone try and mess up they come up? Niggas, I tell you.

Any way so I’m standing there practically looking like a statue thinking maybe somewhere in his simple little head a green light will go off on how to properly entertain a woman. Again, No Dice! He gives the driest conversation this side of the Serengeti and then purchases a drink…for himself of course. Again, for what reason I’ll never know they invite themselves back to our table. At that point I kindly remove my invisible “polite” hat and switch it with the “I don’t give a shit” fedora. I completely ignored him as I pretended to be enthralled in his friend’s conversation about web domains. I guess he could feel the tension or wanted to get invited in the “conversational sandbox” because he tapped my shoulder and asked how I was doing. I inserted another “sista girl” head snap and said “fine” added with an eye roll and turned back around. Nyla tried to talk some sense into the boy it was apparent he was another black male that missed far too many hugs from an actual male figure. In less than 30 seconds she was done with his ass too. Then, as if he hadn’t done just the absolute most already, he had the nerve, guile and the balls to ask me if I wanted a sip out his drink. Like, “Oh that’s what you drunk black bitches like, right?” Like you can splash a cocktail on me to calm me down or something? NE-GRO PLEASE! All eyes darted to his, and I’m using a bit of Robii’s terminology, “yamp ass.” Was he serious? Nyla pointed out his stupidity by asking, “So you don’t think she deserves her OWN drink?” As he continued yammering on with some excuse she noted, “Well you bought the drink for you, then you drink it then!” Then he gone ask me, “WHAT? You think you too good to drink out my cup?” Excuse me? Last I checked Herpes, Gonorrhea, and Chlamydia were all very real, very transferrable diseases. Not resting on that fact that I just met him and known him for all of 15 minutes, isn’t just pondering this notion just detestable?!? I mean seriously are we at a bath house? I mean was a 70’s era orgy about to commence with this sort of crass, swinish conversation? I mean the imaginary hats were off. I let him have it. I don’t know if it was the heat or the fact that my newest banged wig made me remind myself of a black Ramona from Real Housewives of New York but I was feeling a familiar feeling, MAD, with a hint of jittery head and eye movements also characteristic of Ramona from RHONY. I let his ass have it. I mean how dare he! If you don’t want to buy a drink it’s fine but it’s a whole other thing to be rude and disrespectful to a lady. I told him he was the biggest jerk I’d ever met and bid goodbye to his associate and removed myself from the situation. I was pissed! I was so sick of Chicago guys! I mean what was noted back in the late 90s early 2000s as one of the smoothest kind of guys in the country has been reduced to rude, boorish lascivious “cat-callers” if you will. I mean you’d think women were some new form of cab service the way men yell indecent things at them. And what are we supposed to do. If we respond, we’re showing that we accept being talked down to. That it’s ok not to treat us with respect and common decency. If we don’t respond we’re stuck up bitches. I’ll take the latter and be called a bitch any day hunny! Shit, my sanity and soul are worth more than an arbitrary “stupid bitch” or “fuck you hoes.” I tried not to let it ruin the night but I couldn’t help but be bothered by it. Chicago, Chicago men specifically, was taking a slow downturn. The era of Greater Chicago, the old Chicago was declining in many ways. Though we are gaining in media popularity with the new shows centered here, I couldn’t help but think the time of Mike Ditka and infamous to-die-for hotdogs were over.

Ya’know there’s another meaning of the word of the word “mad.” It doesn’t just encompass feelings of rage and fury; it also contains instances of lunacy and derangement. Shortly put, there are times in our lives when we go mad, crazy even. No such instance was true than the next Saturday we went out to Chicago’s primo club of the sexy and snobbish, Shrine. Now I’ve never been one for the so-called “Upper Crust” but going out to a club where you didn’t have to worry about getting maimed or shot was a nice change of pace. It was my college buddy, Fatima’s (former contributor of my #TwitterPanel) birthday weekend and I, remembering the previous fun times of insane debauchery during our Illinois State days, decided it was absolutely necessary to be a part of the festivities. As I was deciding what to wear that night I decided to do something out of the ordinary, absurd even. I decided…to go nude… but not out in the flesh but flesh tones rather. As I rocked a be speckled dramatic collared shirt with cute but daring ruffle skirt and brand new nude colored pumps I felt conventional but fashion forward. Of course no night out can start right without a quick trip to your local tavern or alcohol dispensary. So off Nyla, Robii, and I went. We decided to get something out of the ordinary, choosing to bypass favorites such as Patron, Bacardi or Sveda. We decided to go with the nice subtle flavor of Absolut Pear. We only sampled one drink, maybe two as per mixed from our normal ritual of pouring liquor to a certain point and mixing it as well as you can either in the parking lot next to the club or when you’re really in a hurry to drink while speeding to make it before twelve. ***Disclaimer kiddies, please don’t try to emulate. Don’t try this at home!!! We’re drinking professionals. Be Safe don’t drink and drive*** (Drink at every other red light! Just joking!)

Any ways, really all this to say that we didn’t have much to drink. We arrived at the club and were shocked at the practical “Pan’s Labyrinth” of an entrance line who were all “on the list.” Luckily for us, Robii being the social circle networker that she was had two hook-ups to ensure us early entrance. We met up with a fellow modeling friend from her runway days who quickly ushered us into the club. Lemme tell you a girl could get used to this! Once we got in it was packed! Unbeknownst to us DJ Scratch 2011 Smirnoff DJ winner as well as none other than DJ Clue was both spinning in the place. But alas all that great music was really a waste as there were more people smoozing than actually moving. We met up with another one of Robii’s “friends” or more appropriately “Frienemy.” Robii’s registered frienemy Betsey had a real knack for getting under the mellowest of individual’s skin. And with a voice and line of questioning that made you want to permanently plug your ears you couldn’t stand to be around her too long. She had a lot of qualities similar to an eclipse, you couldn’t stare at it directly or you’ll go blind, deaf, and dumb; relatively speaking. In order to relieve this we each took another shot. While dancing, Robii encountered a strange male caller who offered to buy her a drink. I decided that this was just as good as point as any to take a break to powder my nose…actually hoping to find something to lean against to aid in healing the soreness of my feet from wearing new pumps without properly being broken in. While on the way to the Loo, guess who I bumped into? None other than Fatima and my gurl Prue. They also had their friend Sadie in tow while out on the town. Apparently, they were getting over some minor annoyances of their own as their birthday party got split up into a birthday group. Sparing the details I gave hugs all around and promised to rejoin them once my wounds had healed. Little did I know madness, both my line sister as well as trouble were right around the corner.
As I returned to the dance floor Robii seemed to be more “on” than usual. She was popping booty, feeling breasts, and feeling everyone on the dance floor. I figured it was just the normal effects of the “drank.” After a few moments of perfuse movement she motioned that she needed to get to a bathroom immediately. As we pushed through the crowd she rushed in the stall and locked it behind her. After some time Nyla and I tried checking her to get a sign of her condition. At that moment I bumped back into a very drunk, very fired up Fatima and company. All I saw was a whirl of cameras flashing, scantily clad girls of different intoxication levels rushing by, and heard the overwhelming boom of the music bumping in the background. Between all this I was getting no response from Robii. Breaking through all the activity and confusion Nyla and I had to practically bust down the door to get Robii to open it. She gently walked out, and ever so daintily she paused for merely a moment and with the most feminine of voices lightly sighed with a deep release of breathe and passed out right in the midst of the madness. Nyla and I sat stunned at the sudden collapse. We immediately sprang into best friend mode. We were sitting her head up, trying to get her air, and almost smacking the living day lights out of her trying to get her to respond. Eventually it was up to me to go get the “Corrollie-Polie” Robii’s pet name for her car and roll in the relief. Once I returned to scene. I was surprised to see they somehow got Robii out of the club situated just across the street from the club; I was equally surprised to see that quite a crowd had rallied around the site of the unfortunate event. After numerous times trying to get through to Robii it had been decided that the paramedics had to be called. As they rushed to the nearest hospital I struggled to make sense of what was happening to my dear friend. I hate hospitals!!! And that’s as serious as I can get. And I hate my family and loved ones in hospitals even more.

I was all alone in Robii’s car (Nyla was elected to ride along in the ambulance) trying to come up with some sort of plan. What could I do? Who could I call? What if the situation was worst than we thought? In a panic, somewhere on the silver lining that was the cloudiness of my mind I thought how it would feel if I had someone special in my life. I would want them to know when something was wrong with me. So I decided to make a call to Robii’s special beau. He of course was frantic and wanted to talk to her immediately. I tried my best to calm down the situation. I took a breath and prepared myself to sit in one of the most uncomfortable places to be, the emergency room. Somewhere in between a Chinese speaking family, two pregnant women, and a teeth whitening infomercial I tried to grasp on to some sort logic. Eventually I made my way to where they were keeping Robii. She looked baddddddd! And of course no longer than two minutes of me being there she told Nyla and me that under no circumstances did she want her bf to know (oops!). We gave Robii some time to rest but it had been decided that even with the wonderful bill that our wonderful black president got passed, health care was still astronomical. So it went from get well to jail break. We gave Robii a pep talk and we literally strutted our asses out of there. It wasn’t until half way home Robii demanded we pull over so she could orally relieve herself. We still to this day don’t know what caused her to react in such a way. Could have been the crowd, the heat or was it more sinister motives? As I held her hair back and rubbed her back while she puked. Astoundingly through this scene I felt really close to Robii. I flashbacked to a scene from my blueprint of single life “Sex and the City” when they talked about the roles of twenty something girls. How the deepest bond of friendship you could have was holding your friend’s hair back as she threw up. I guess it was true. It means a lot to a girl to know that you have someone in your life through peaks and pitfalls of our lives. I felt honored to be there for Robii and coincidently got my shoes covered in vomit and who knows what else.

On the ride home I did what I usually do. I looked out the car window and peered into the city. I get some of my best ideas between the hours of 1am and 3am when looking at the Chicago Skyline and most likely doing something I shouldn’t be doing like overcoming a bout of drunkenness or making the ride home of shame from the latest conquests residence. I thought how truly mad the world is. There are children out there being preyed on by perverts of the sickest kind. There are good people getting screwed over every day. And I was here. In a city easily over 200,000 in population and couldn’t find one decent guy in midst of it all. It was truly a Mad Mad Mad MAD WORLD!!!! And for once I couldn’t wrap it all up with a pretty little metaphoric bow. Sometimes in life things happen that we have no control of. And no matter how you get pissed and spit bad things will come in your path. The only thing in this life that you can control is yourself. Many people in Chicago never make anything of their lives. Whether we like it or not people die every day but can’t we thank God that we’re here! Look! I’m trying to save you from that whole if you believe you can achieve bullshit…but the fact is…we truly as blessed just to exist in this Mad Mad Mad MAD World. And it’s up to us to create the life we want. I’ll admit there are times when I think we play a little too close to the line of danger but at least I can say one day when I’m old, and my boobs sag more than they do already, I can say I truly lived..and that I survived in this world no matter how mad it…and I can be.

Tue, Jul. 12th, 2011, 03:11 am
With Friends Like These...The Long Lost Blog Entry

This is the blog that was started before my laptop was tragically broken in pieces. Enjoy!

Day 151: With Friends Like These….

Greeting and Salutations! In True Gaga fashion I’ve decided to reinvent myself. So I’m no longer a chef or school teacher as in other posts you can now call me Mother Major and you’re all my little minions! What? You don’t think that has a sort of ring to it? Anyways. So if you’re here you either got lost on the way to a porn site or you’re one of my five regular readers lol trying to get an update in the otherwise manic world of Vonnie. Man the more I focus on one thing another five drop by the waste side. If you’ve really been following all things Vonnie you’ll know that recently I’ve been trying to spurn my way onto YouTube. I’ve always been inspired by YouTubers such as Kid Fury (check out his blog SoFurious.com it’s an awesome Entertainment blog) and Qaadir over at the Timaya Channel. I decided that I can talk shit with the best of them so I decided to start putting my energy into creating new skits and topics for my YouTube Channel (obvious plug) V4Vonnie. Ya’ll be sure to check it out! Well, well getting back to what everyone came here for, oh yea, it was a few weeks ago…

There are many relationships. There are mother-daughter relationships. There is the boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. Neighbor vs. neighbor relationships. But one of the time-honored and most sacred relationships is the “girl” and compounding “girlfriends” relationships. It’s proven that the frequency of your friendship can be a scale to your own personal well-being. What’s the saying “you are who you hang out with?” What seems like mere elementary is nominally true. Surround yourself with “raindrop, down and out” bitches and the storm clouds will surely come your way. Everyone knows that just like a great clutch and cocktail ring you’re besties are an essential accessory. And just like a run in your new pair of stockings a rift between friends can utterly ruin more than your outfit, it can ruin your mood. This was the case about half way through May. After the infamous Robbie, Incredible Hulk of drinking fiasco things were a bit strained within the “Fab Four” friendship between Robii, Nyla, Eve and I. After the whole blowup I unknowingly participated in some BYB, behind your back activity.

Eve called me the next day to vent out some of her frustrations with the night’s events. She explained that she often felt like the “Mom” of the group. You have to understand that there is a lot of craziness dispersed throughout our group. Robii can often be an extreme entity when it comes to social settings. She lives out loud and often time people overhear those statements. Nyla sort of plays off Robii’s mood. She can either be a foil or co-conspirator for that behavior (for those none English majors FOIL means a character that is the opposite of another character I don’t want you mofos thinking I’m talking about cooking utensils lol). Me. I’m somewhere in the middle of Robii and Nyla’s personalities and sometimes neither here nor there. Eve lived life a little gentler, milder than we did. I don’t know if it was due to upbringing, self-consciousness, or just overall preference. Whatever it was it caused her not to be able to let herself go as easily as we other three could. I could relate. Though I totally and completely love Robii sometimes her personality was a little too outgoing. Her outspokenness sometimes leads to unnecessary drama and escapades. Getting back to the original story before I had tangency of the brain Eve called me the next day and told me her feelings about the night. Apparently Eve and Nyla’s antics had been bothering her for a while. Whatever it was that made her confide in me I listened carefully and tried to offer sympathetic easing. I further participated in some BYB behavior the next time I saw Robii and Nyla. While making a pilgrimage to Gurnee Mills Mall long since known for its great fashion selection as well as reasonable pricing. What people often neglected was the hemorrhage of dollars and change one uses in paying for the gas ride out to Gurnee. Regardless, the three of us wasted time while perusing the selections which were lackluster compared to popular belief. Somewhere between Rue 21 and Neiman-Marcus (where I got to actually touch a pair of LouBoutins!) I had disclosed the conversation that Eve and I had discussed. Now before you condemn me to BFF Backstabbery let me first explain my reasoning for bringing it up. We were talking about what had happened that night and giving our personal feelings on the situation. I explained my confusion in the whole thing, Nyla expressed her annoyance of the whole matter, and Robii didn’t really think it was that big of deal. I thought to give Robii some insight on how Eve took it. I explained to Robii what Eve had told me (keep in mind that there was no contractual “Do Not Tell” clause in what we discussed so I’m totally covered in regards to the law of besties…that is if my Vonnie’s Rules of Order is an up to date version) and how I think she should talk to her about it. I was trying to get to the bottom of things…so you see it was way more Babysitter’s Club than Mean Girls…at least that was my intention. Little did I know Nyla and Robii took it worse than I thought.

Prepare the Flashback…

A couple of NYE’s ago Robii and Nyla were deciding what to do for their New Year’s Eve 2009. New Year’s Eve in Chicago is like planning a full court press upon the Southside, Downtown, and Rush Street areas. Keeping with the sports analogy I had been prematurely benched that year as I was guilted from going out to any funtime activities via my mother’s ranting. Rather than have having the combined energies of Robii and Nyla unleashed upon unknowing bystanders Eve suggested that they play indoors. Eve’s boyfriend’s family was having a get-to-together. Nyla later explained that all that night they seemed to be a little shady. Robii, Nyla, and Eve ended up getting way too drunk. Apparently, Eve’s boyfriend’s aunts and cousins had little green monsters of their own brought out by drinking because they decided to try and openly bash Nyla and Robii calling them “drunk bitches” and demanding that leave their house. There’s one thing you DON’T wanna do and that’s insult Robii to her face. She may be all of 120 lbs but baby does she have the strength of ten men when it comes to scraping. Once she heard that it was only a matter of time before insults were being flung back and forth and soon there was a full on brawl going on. And like true black folk fashion when one person fight the whole family gotta fight but this rule worked against Robii and Nyla. It went from a fight between a couple then three then five then seven. No matter what way you put it, quite simply Robii and Nyla were jumped. And while all this chaos was going on Eve sit drunk on the stairs paralyzed by the demons known as Jack, Crown, and Patron. Dazed and confused on what to do she sat torn between friends and soon to be family. As Robii and Nyla fought valiantly trying to fight off the crowd they were pushed into a glass door in a last ditch effort to fight them off Robii seized her only salvation in the form of a random bottle of antifreeze on the front porch. Robii eye’s had a glint of danger as she LAUNCHED the bottle through the glass window door. Unfortunately the team took a causality as the glass from the door unknowingly cut deep into Nyla’s thigh. Hours passed, numerous drunken steps, and a hospital trip lead to two friends in need of recovery.

The next day Eve called in a mousy voice in an attempt of reconciliation. Her hopes were to smooth things over with both sides. The reason, she offered, for her lack of participation was that she. lost in all the drunken confusion could not comprehend what was going on. Further more, she couldn’t tell what was the origin of the battle so how could she choose sides? Nyla and Robii weren’t convinced. Over time the friendship mended itself back together but it was safe to say, like Nyla’s cut on her leg, there would always be a scar.

Flashback to the present…

So with this in mind we go back to the previously interrupted girl talk. Still having that soft spot the news of Eve’s disapproval sort of made an impact and was originally just funny girl talk that turned into a full on meltdown. Robii and Nyla didn’t too much appreciate that Eve couldn’t look past one unfortunate circumstance. I tried to cover up and play peacemaker. I exclaimed, “Maybe she was just upset about what happened that night.” But my words fell on deaf ears. Once Robii and Nyla spoke up, the real truth about how they had been feeling came out.

There is something that everyone should know. Every friend (whether they be the “best” or regular friend status) talks shit about their other friends. Forget the Lion King; talking about your friends behind their backs is the real circle of life. Now before you think I’m on some Dark Knight, Harvey Dent, Two Face shit lol let me explain…

(*Grabs Lab Coat* Now stand back kids! Things are about to get scientific)

Every clan of besties has a certain movement, group dynamics if you will. Each member has different characteristics that add to the variety of the group and overall synergy of the group. Commonly in any group there’s a quiet friend, a crazy friend, a down to Earth friend, a mean/bitchy friend, an annoying friend, and the “hoe” friend. Each type of friend usually knows their role and what it is they do for the group. Some add insight as to what you should work on in your life and others indirectly show you what not to do. Now this is when it gets a little more complicated because lord knows women are like same charged protons and repel each other. We don’t usually have tons of friends so many times one friend will have multiple friendship categories such as the “quiet, bitchy” friend or the ever rare “crazy, hoe” friend. All of this to say is that with so many different types of friends there’s bound to be some disconnect between besties every now and again. Shit, women barely get alone on a basic level; add in hormones periods, bad hair days, stupid nigga shit you’re liable to have a World War III over who’s driving to the club on Saturday.

Sometimes we all have to face the fact that we all do some annoying shit time to time. My annoying thing with my friends is being late all the time and probably talking too much. Like AA addressing the problem is the first step lol. In many ways, talking shit BEHIND your girlfriends back may be the most loving thing you can do. Whenever you say either to yourself or to another friend “So and So was getting on my last nerves!” What you’re really saying is” I love So and So so much that I didn’t tell her about herself!” And like Whitney Houston back before the crack and her eventual lost of kneecaps isn’t that the greatest love of all? No? Well whether you agree or not talking behind a friend’s back happens often and can be beneficial when used to release. It’s when that friend’s bad habits are more and more a part of the “girl talk” that things slowly slip from kidding to condemning. This is when a friendship is on its way to ending.

Insert the “Snow Bitch Effect.” You’ve heard of the Snow Ball Effect when one things rolls into a huge thing. Well the Snow Bitch Effect is very similar. This starts once one or more close friends start to have less than lovable feelings toward another friend and the more and more they talk about it and the more and more you rehash you, yourself start to have negative feelings towards that friend. I myself, fell susceptible to the Snow Bitch Effect” a few days later after the initial Eve-Robii-Nyla blowup. For some reason we kept talking about what had happened that crazy night and what had been said by all parties. Unbeknownst to me Robii had been annoyed for a while with some of Eve’s personality traits as well as Nyla. I too, started to remember certain less than favorable things Eve had said or done to me. Nothing big. But when in a group, group mentality seems to rave. Robii being the impulsive person decided to do the ultimate thing of unfriending Eve on fb. Eve eventually contacted me about said thing and it was hard for me to respond about it. I knew Robii had been annoyed but didn’t know she’d make a move like that. The situation was even more perturbed when Robii finally decided to voice her rendition of the situation at hand. She led Eve to believe that her only annoyance with her was due to what I had happened to mention during my BYB behavior. I, of course thought it was much more than that. Either way, I was lead to believe from conversing with Robii later that Eve has insinuated that I wasn’t telling the truth. One of my biggest things is standing by my word. I tell the truth all of the time even if it means telling my own business as you can see via blog. I don’t like being called a liar. After seeing this you can see how the “Snow Bitch Effect” was pretty much in avalanche mode. I ain’t gone lie ya’ll I was pissed, especially since during the start of all this I was sitting up tryna play Chief Peacemaker and shit lol In all the madness of bullshit and backstabbery I was the voice of reason in the sea of bestie chaos. It was then and there that Robii, Nyla, and I decided in this tense surrounding that it was really time to pull out the big guns…it was time for a “friend-tervention.”

Don’t let Sex and the City 2 fool you…a friend-tervention is not as clean cut as it seems, not for black woman at least. It’s tense. Think of it as a proverbial Situation Room, the Hot Box, Brokedown Palace in this piece! If you are unfortunate enough to be brought in front of the hung jury known as your best friends the results can lead to a life sentence….the charge, being a bad friend!!!
*cues People’s Court Music*
The Perp: Eve Bevins
The Charge: Engaging in hearsay, as well as flip-floping between besties
The Prosecutor: VonnieBGoode, Shittalker-At-Law
Jury: Robii Mitchell and Nyla Quavos

Lol, It wasn’t quite like that. Let me take you back to the scene.

That Wednesday Robii, Nyla, and I decided to get together. It had been nearly a month since the whole drunk and disorderly situation had reached a peak. Though Robii had been in constant contact with Eve she had had a chance to clear the air. I, on the other hand had not been so relieved. You know what happens to an interrogation deferred….lol it can definitely lead one to explode (did you catch the Langston Hughes reference?) Since we all never got together as a foursome to smooth things over we decided to call up Eve and talk about things. The drive over to her place to pick her up was tense. How were we gonna play it? Of course we were trying to come up with a game plan full of scripts and cues. We didn’t want it to seem like an ambush but at the same time we wanted to make sure we said everything we had to say. I’m a firm believer that if something bothers me about someone I’m going to let them know rather than drag their name through the mud behind their back. With discussion if you’re really good friends you can work to change to ensure you both do better in the future.

Any ways we picked up Eve and needless to say like usual plans they fell by the wayside. When you get comfortable in a group it can be really easy to fall back into old best friend patterns. There we were doing regular best friend antics when something snapped in me. I don’t like to be a shit-starter, contrary to popular belief, but to reiterate I don’t like being fake or letting an issue get stagnant. In the middle of our usual Basketball Wives hootenanny I just broke off with a “speaking of he-said she –said…” Little did I know I should have treated the witness as a HOSTILE witness lol Once I brought up the subject the flood gates nearly flew off. First off, let me state that it’s not cool at all to gang up on a friend. Whenever anyone is pent in a corner they will either fight or flee and that’s nature. But sometimes this must be overlooked when matters need to be addressed. During the discussion we addressed the NYE incident and how Robii and Nyla felt. There were yells exchanged of course. Then I put in practically a crown royal bag full of my nickels, dimes, and two cents. Looking back on things now I don’t know why I went so hard. Believe me I wasn’t trying to hurt Eve in any way but I wanted to get through to her, not just about this silly situation but about everything. I wanted her to know I take our friendship more than face value. I said it then and I’ll say it now life if precious and if I should never meet one of you I would want you to know how I feel about you; all the wonderful good and all the unbearable bad. Because when you agree to let someone into your life, your deepest feelings and secrets I think you’ve gained that right. Now excuse me if I got a little too deep right there but it’s truly how I feel. I wanted Eve to know how much I, shit, we all invest in her and we just want to see her be her best. Well like Robii would say, “Shit got just got real.” Lol There of course was yelling, hurt feelings, and it wouldn’t be a friend-tervention without a storm out. Robii, Nyla, and I sat silent for a bit. Nyla shared that she didn’t think I was gonna be that “real” apparently I had missed several signs from her and Robii to cease and desist. Because I had not gotten to express all my feelings I had to resort to using the unreliable media know as facebook, where a comma or period out of place could end even the longest of friendships. I wanted Eve to know that no matter how mad I have gotten or will get at her nothing will ever take away the tons of great memories that I’ll never forget and will never be the same because.

Things didn’t immediately gel back together either. It’s like a piece of PlayDoh that you roll all over the house and the floor and there are bits of crayons and Barbie hair in it. It doesn’t exactly fuse together easily, but you still play with it nevertheless and pick out the bits of crud that you can.

A few days later Nyla, Robii, Andi and I decided to have a night on the town! The cause of celebration was that Nyla was leaving the country! Only for a few weeks though but still it was a grave lost on out parts. And for some reason we decided to go out to the clubs…why did we do that!?! Why the hell did we do that?!?

Now lemme explain why I am so over clubs! First off, you get all dressed up wearing spandex, short dresses, and what not just to have to stand in line for the bouncers to let you in whenever the hell they feel like and 9 times out of 10 they know yo broke ass is trying to get in the club free before midnight and they be on some bullshit and let you in at 12:01 expecting you to fork over a smooth 20 dollar bill. Fuck Outta Here!!! Then you in line probably drunk or tipsy tipping over in your stilettos because you and your besties had to get chocolate wasted BEFORE you even got in the club because drinks be an easy $10 for vodka and cranberry. By the time you have two drinks you could have gotten a good bottle of drank shit you coulda had Sveka, Cuervo, and depending if you get a good enough deal some Absolut. Then you get in the club and aint shit popping because you and yo friends the only muthafuckas in the club so damn early. So you sit down and start to get sleepy because of course you’re already wasted. By the time the rest of the patrons roll they asses in your buzz is gone. Then you gotta take the dozens of gawking gangsta boos and thugnificients trying to holla at you asking you for like 70 dances like I’m some kind of trained dancer, like I’m getting a commission off this shit or something! Then you do all that dancing and them niggas still won’t buy you a drink. And if they do buy you a drink they think $10 entitles them to a one-night ownership of your vagina. And if that wasn’t all bad enough you know one thing to be true, by the end of the night there will be at least one life-threatening event happening usually found in the form of a fight or at its most extreme gunshots. It’s a wonder the black race isn’t extinct due to a night out at the club alone.

Any ways we decide to go up to a local place called Boutique. Boutique is a nice blend of nice décor, young hot twenty somethings, and ratchetness. Boutique is the kind of place where you’ll see $200 peep toes and then see a bright red 27 piece. You’ll see “Wacka Flocka” dreads and suit jackets. Doing the aforementioned ritual of drinking before arriving we were all buzzed but being that no one was in the club it was wasted energy to say the least. I couldn’t help but notice that it seemed as Nyla and Robii were overly close. It was true that even in their short time knowing each other they had gotten very close and seeing as they both shared the same Zodiac sign they were like minded indeed. But sometimes when the two of them were together I felt somehow out of the loop. Was I being overly protective? Was my only-child syndrome acting up? What? It was then that I had to check myself and check myself hard. Being friends with a group doesn’t mean that one person likes another person more or less it just means their friendship is different. My relationship with Robii was different just like Nyla and Eve’s relationship, etc. Wasting time trying to keep some kind of score is the worst thing to do in a friendship and can lead to missing out on very wonderful times. If anything you work hard to secure ALL your friendships and make them as unique like the stars in the sky. And with that we attempted to make the best of the night we could…of course the ugly side of the city caught up with us after we left. You would have thought it was something out of the Old West. The trunk popped. A lone stranger standing sternly in the face of opposition. Two cars nearly kissing each others bumpers and in a bat of an eyelash it all exploded as two cars ran into each other on purpose and a fight immediately ensued…and that’s the end of the night folks. Chi city at its worse…little did we know it would continue to make a decline but that is of course for another blog entry.

And so it finally came. Halos replaced with lacefronted hair and nicely kept weave. Humble cloths were instead substituted for flowing linens and cocktail skirts. There we were, The Last Supper. It was the final farewell dinner for Nyla. We would have to be subjected to five whole weeks without our youngest member. A person who was wise beyond her years. Who was looked up to by each one of us for different things. It was also the first time the “Fab Four” Robii, Eve, Nyla and I were together since the blowup. All was well and I can honestly say there wasn’t any reservations…well other than for a nice table for four. Water under the viaduct. We sat and ate, talked about what was new in all our lives, future plans for the summer, and just enjoyed being four wonderful beautiful black encouraging best friends. Of course we had to do one final walk of the city. Though Chicago can be a scumbucket of a place to live there are those rare times when the weather is humid and the wind blows just right. When you feel like you can actually reach up and grab the sky. Grabbing all those things you’ve ever wanted in the same instance. When you can be like Kanye and actually have your name light up the Chicago Skyline. You feel young. Sexy. Invincible. We walked around dizzy from the sound of buzzing cars and bright lights. Fawning over lakefront condos and designer shoes and handbags, the ultimate tease of what could be. As the night drew to a close we knew it the end was inevitable. Rather than drag it out we said our goodbyes and ended with a big group hug. It didn’t need any deep metaphors or greater explanation. It was a hug, a sign of love from me to you.

As I drove home with the sunroof down looking up at the stars, not driving safe apparently, I felt reassured that those stars were looking down on my friends just the same. I felt that I was truly blessed to have those people in my life big and small. From the frequent features in my blog down to those we only see once in a lone tweet via twitter. I know it’s taken me a long long long LONG while to post a blog and I’m truly sorry for that but I want every single person that reads, skims, or glances over this blog entry or website that I love you…from the bottom of my heart and that I know I can do anything…With Friends Like These.

Tue, Jul. 12th, 2011, 02:52 am
What? That's The E.N.D.?

I would like to extend my deepest apologies about me dropping the ball towards the end of the "humping strike." It's one of those seen not heard situations. When you're living through it and you reach a stride it can be hard to stop and pace yourself. Of course it's time for thanks-yous and shout-outs. Shout-outs to all my besties that were featured and more behind the scenes. Thank you Kylie for initially supporting me on this journey and for always giving great advice and guidance as well as an awesome "Vonnie Rocket" logo your help and words mean so much to me more than you will ever know. To my sister-in-arms-wide-open Robii, Nyla, and Eve thank you for being my Charlotte, Carrie, and Samantha. You make everyday an episode of SATC. love you for your constant advice, love, and enduring of my many rants and mood changes. Thanks to everyone who's ever been mentioned in the blog such as my ex, Bo, Tuck, Andi, Prue, and Fatima. Also a special thanks forever for being a part of the first ever #TwitterPanel (when are we doing that again?) All of you guys have been great sports in me pretty much exposing all our damn business lol Special thanks to three of my special readers who I don't get to see very often but offer support and feedback Jilly (Tuck's older sister), Leona (Andi's bestie) and one of my sorority sisters MahoganyPoet, your talent as well as humor continues to inspire me.

Um...thanks to Livejournal for allowing this madness to be held here. Thanks to anyone who has ever viewed one of my YouTube videos out of interest of sheer boredom. Special thanks to my Mommy for allowing her only 23 year old daughter to express herself in a manner that you never thought a child that came out of you would. Thanks for words of love and encouragement as well as heated debates. Thanks to my dad too for being a sport. Poor daddy...I don't even think you made it through one whole blog...hearing those words I speak...nearly killed him lol Thanks to my YouTube inspirations Qaadir and a special bigtime round of applause for KID FURY! He is seriously my idol, don't think he'll ever know how much he inspires me.

Furthermore thanks to my multiple personalities and silly things that dance around in my head. Thanks to all of my surroundings and the experiences that make me, me. Special, Incredible thanks to Chicago...forever the love of my life. You dirty player you lol And lastly thanks to the bad times. Thanks to the bad people. Those who made me feel my worst. If I never felt so terrible I'd never be able to feel this good. And when I think about how happy, how truly happy I am now I can shed a tear for all I've accomplished. Long Live the Humping Strike!

What's Next? I always gotta ask what's next.

Well there's still a city of Chicago. Don't let Transformers 3 fool you the Sears Tower is still fully intact so that means dozens of more adventures and stupid funtimes! What's the gimmick now? Well I'm still not having sex lol But I'm thinking of investigating a little deeper into the underbelly of single life. I've done some research and that's all I can disclose at this moment. Follow me and I promise you'll be entertained! Well what else is there to say? Too Infinity and Beyond my little minions!

Vonnie Out!

Sun, Jul. 10th, 2011, 02:01 am
Where Did All the Good Men Go???

With every good thing comes a even more ignorant thing coming around the bend. Fresh off the Humping Strike and niggas are out here acting a damn fool! Enjoy this personal rant and you can call me what you want just don't call me the B- word, BITTER! Frustrated is a completely different feeling. Enjoy

Fri, Jul. 1st, 2011, 12:58 pm
Happy No Sex-aversary to Me!

I know it's practically tumbleweeds blowing in this piece but as anticlimactic as it many be my six months are up minions! Here's a video blog to commemorate!

Sun, May. 1st, 2011, 01:30 pm
Day 121: Drinking, Dating, and Decimals: Doomed to Repeat?

*Bell Rings* Settle Down my little minions! Because Professor Vonnie is gonna show you a thing a thing or two. Lol Hello once again and welcome to Single Gurl 101 which is nothing more than my crash-course of the day to day discoveries and dealings in my otherwise hectic life. I swear these blogs are getting away from me. But with the coming of the spring I find myself retreating to juvenile escapades. Hmmm where to start? I guess the usual point of about two weeks ago…

It was the weekend of April 14th. I was getting prepared for Operation: Super FunTime Weekend entailing of yet ANOTHER trip down to my alma mater. My org was finally gaining new members who after a grueling process of “fine tuning” were finally prepared to be presented to the campus. Friday was to be a long delayed reunion between myself and my besties Robii, Nyla, and Eve. And Saturday was a toss-up. Fun and excitement were practically assured. Right? Any whoo Andi and I prepared to make our drive down to our old host college along with Phaedra, another member of our org. Upon our arrival the air was charged! Filled with a concoction of emanations and elations! Darted eyes, Covert Secrets, and Celebrations! There were greetings, drinks and just an overall feeling of collectiveness. Let it be known that I am extremely thankful to be a part of a group of women that have lead such meaningful and exciting lives and the fact that I get to add to that…most importantly what I’ve gained from it. I LOVE everyone in my org. Though let it just as easily be known that I don’t like all of em! Let us proceed…The night ended with many disturbing behaviors: stolen property, public intoxication, gluttony, lewdness, and a sore bottom….but nothing could take the cake (for me at least) then my late blooming rite-of-passage that all party girls are reduced to….outdoor urination. Yes it is with a hand firmly shading my face that I report that I, Vonnie the “Black” Miranda, must tell you that I had my first bout with the outdoor latrine. I had drunken a wee bit too much and subsequently went wee wee wee all the way behind a tree. This unbeknownst to me would be one of the check/minus marks in the tally that is the grade book of my growth. Even with all the naughty schoolyard antics I managed to have a wonderful time.

Coming off the steam of Thursday I was nothing less than ecstatic for the arrival of Friday. Like a child who diligently anticipates the first day of classes I knew it would be a good day. Robii, Nyla, Eve and I were getting together for what seemed like forever! Having been subjected to nearly 3 weeks since the last “kick it” session, a time mind you which is nearly years in Bestie Timing, the ladies were ready and in full swing for what was expected to be an epic night…and it was…but for all the wrong reasons. I arrived at Eve’s house for some necessary pre-gaming. Robii had already arrived and we quickly gabbed on the updates of our lives like school girl gossip. Relationships were up, jerky guys were out, and dealing with people’s bullshit was so last year! Nyla soon arrived and our group was complete so we began drinking. Now I’m sure from my previous display of drunkness the previous night would allude to me fibbing but I have to prelude that we did NOT have that much to drink…after one/one and half cups (chaser pre-mixed mind you) of “drank” we were buzzing. And we quickly went from cute buzzing bumblebees to deadly deranged killer “Africanized” bees buzzing around in chaos! (all with the exception of Eve who was the designated driver…what? we believe in safety.) This transformation hit Robii worst of all. Because of her behavior I affectionately named her “Incredible Hulk.” But there were no ripped clothes or emerald tinted skin, the effect seemed to happen out of thin air. We were all vibing on the car ride there when a Lil Wayne song came on. Robii consequently worships Lil Wayne I mean she knows all his information and err’thang. I’m talking government names and family members lol Anyways one of us commented that she didn’t even know him for real. Her response was to yell incessantly and nearly put a hole in her rear car window. It was too late, the change had begun.

Once we arrived at the club which will remain unnamed but let me note that the shit was whack as hell and they’re lucky we livened the shit up! Right, back to the lecture…So we finally got to the club. We got in the “ladies” line and walked to the entrance. They had sent out a text message for free entry before a certain time. Because myself, Nyla, and Eve had not gotten the texts directly from the party promoters they were denying us entry. Nyla and I bade each other “the look” that insisted the thought “Fuck This Shit.” Of course I.H. (short for Incredible Hulk) Robii wouldn’t take no for an answer no matter the source. Even though we insisted many times that it was ok that we could just go and hang out she shimmied her wild and raging self up the stairs of the club to the atm. She then withdrew 60 whole dollars!!! I gave a quick peek into the club from the waiting area and saw no reason to pay $60 to enter. I mean after the whole situation I’m glad we didn’t go in…I mean you can do a lot with $60. You can buy six packs of underwear or buy sixty one dollar hamburgers or most importantly buy a nice pair of shoes! Any ways Robii finally came downstairs and banged the money on the table. Nyla tried to talk Robii out of it but I.H. wasn’t having it and I quote “IF I GOT IT!!!!! THEN I GOT IT!!!” lol (Gurl I know you reading lol and you know I love you! No shade!)

At this point my buzz was exponentially decreasing. We decided to leave in Malcolm X style by ANY means necessary! We grabbed Robii’s money and left out the exit. Once I got out I was shocked to find that there were two musketeers missing. Our troupe consisted of two people waiting outside, me and Eve. We waited for a minute or two thinking they would come out soon. We then were about to walk through the exit but was instantly shunned and told to renter the right way. Once we walked around we found Nyla and Robii going at it! I told her that maybe we should just go in and settle it later but Nyla through drunken lips spoke whole truths proving to be an ultimate friend. She stated that she would never let Robii spend her money on something so trivial when she could be saving up to get her condo or paying off her car. She said all that and more give or take a slur or two. Any ways we once again agreed to a group consensus of leaving and we walked out again. This time we were missing one Robii. She was unknowingly making Robii’s Last Stand, but instead of standing on Little Big Horn she was standing on Little Darkly Lit Dance Floor. Nyla happened to run into an old grammar school classmate who wasn’t exactly in the best shape himself drinking wise. She asked if he could go in and get our friend for us…well after some time and lots of men in yellow “Security” marked jackets Nyla had to practically go in and drag Robii’s ass out of there. And this time, we were not allowed to reenter. If you thought this was the end to our adventure in learning you would be wrong. At that point I was regrettably sober and Eve and I decided to walk to the car and pull around. When we made it around Robii and Nyla were practically barking at each other and I was later informed that Robii had choked her. This unfortunately wasn’t the end of her tirade because she had bonked Eve in her head by failing her arms while Eve was driving. There were many jabs thrown back and forward and a whole mess of yelling. And if that wasn’t bad enough I was made to have to pee outside AGAIN! I peed outside more times in two days than I have in all my damn life! I was honestly in a daze. I had never gotten into a fight with my besties before. I’ve been miffed a time or two but nothing where I seriously worried about the future of our friendship. Once we got back to Eve’s place I didn’t say anything as I exited the car and started my old “Stilo” (that’s my car’s name) and drove home. Though I was angry with the outcome of the night I was still worried. I swung by Robii’s house to see if she got home safely. She hadn’t arrived so I texted our group caregiver Liam to check on her. Once I got home I found myself unable to get a restful sleep…the night’s events constantly claiming my peace of mind.

The next day Robii called and we chatted about what happened. She was in the belief that nothing major had happened. I was then aware that she had a case of Drunken Amnesia. We hadn’t gotten into a big tiff personally so I just hung up figuring that Nyla would be more than glad to fill her in on the true events of the evening. I was glad to know that at least for a little while we were all ok. Crisis: Best Friend Fight was over and I felt good.

It was then at this point where I decided to have my own personal Spring Break and hang in the house for the next couple days and clean. I even made my way to TUCC to get me some Jesus! What…ya’ll know I love me some church. Any whoo Sunday night seemed routine like taking notes but like the arrival of a pop quiz things got shook up!

Who would have known one little tweet via twitter.com would create such a stir, such a burst of energy! With the potential makings to create a phenomena!

“*Ladies & Gents* I'm conducting my own #weeklypoll on dating. This week: Do you have ur own set of dating "rules" what r some dos & donts?”

At first, I only got back minimal feedback. One or two tweets. It wasn’t until I expanded my efforts that I got a rush of input. I decided that not a lot of people read random tweets. But if you mention them…call them out…directly challenge them! Then you get the answers. Not only will your own followers wonder about the word play and back talk but you are tapping into their network and potentially getting other great minds thinking on the subject. With this I decided to create my own #TwitterPanel insert Fatima, Peter Jefferies better known as P.J., Andi, Prue and even a guest star of my own ex Bo. The reasons why I chose them were different but the result was the same: real people, real answers, which would surely be real funny.

Fatima came to mind because of her girl-next-door radiance, mellow attitude, and possessing the kind of creative talent that made you wonder just what in the hell you were doing with your life. In so many words, she was a sweetheart. A quality arguably not still present in the black female community. I knew I’d not only get well-mannered answers, but open and honest answers.

P.J., another friend from college, had always been a funny guy. Not only could he make you hug your sides with laughter but all his jokes and teasing held truth. “Truth”…now that’s something you don’t hear paired with men very often. Kidding aside, P.J. was a genuine guy. He, like Fatima, being of the sweetheart variety was every girl’s best friend, but unlike most guy friends that were forever caged in the “just friends” corner of a girl’s mind, P.J. held a certain appeal that made a girl look at him and wonder…if just for a second…how’d he fare as a lover/boyfriend.

Andi and Prue were both college gal pals that shared the same org as me. Thrown together by fate, we instantly formed a bond that at times was hard to understand but just as genuine, selfless and heartfelt. And that would surely last forever. Though they were joined at the hip they couldn’t have been more different…dating wise. Andi was a traditional girl through and through. She believed in the process of courting. A man should be a gentleman and always act as such. He could be no stranger to brand name clothing. She believed in meeting parents and dates that were exclusively paid by the man. Prue on the other hand was a bit of a wild child. She held onto a live spirit that constantly had her gravitating toward guys that displayed a bit of FLASH! Prue was not a fan of the conservative; she craved men of unconventional standing. She believed in attraction and impulse. A man should be suave….daring…and above all…SEXY. Now don’t get me wrong, she craved a good man none the less, but Prue was a woman who could not be bored. Whether it came to parties, movies, or someone she could possibly kiss; boring just wasn’t an option she couldn’t dismiss. Seeing the possible warring opinions you could see just why I’d pick them.

And then there was Bo…my ex….I needed another guy, so there.

Just kidding. Well not really. But it’s my conceptual belief that you can tell a lot about your own ideals based on the ones of your ex. If your ex was fucked up, nine times out of ten there was something about you that’s fucked up. Now that I’m thinking about it…maybe that’s not a good thing. Anyways, Bo, at the heart of everything was an incredibly heartfelt guy. I mean when it came to making a woman feel appreciated his effort was unrivaled. He possessed that sort of “homegrown” cute country boy persona that any girl could grow to love. And I’ll simply leave it at that.

It was a great exchange of free flowing ideas. I originally thought the guys would have more physical demands and women would have more emotional requirements. Though humor was exhausted by both sexes I was surprised with the deep and honest answers of both sides. I have a transcript of all the rules and ideas shared but decided to cap it off at the big ideas and trends.

The Guys Physical/Frivolous Rules were as follows:
1. Hygiene must be a given i.e.) “Breathe must NOT smell like hot dog water”
2. Make-up should be used to “enhance” not “hide.” Women should not look like circus clowns while patronizing the club.
3. No long, fake or excessive finger nails/designs.
4. When engaging at the club, do NOT ask a man to buy you a drink. At this point you have not done anything worthy of having your thirst quenched with a $10 drink.
5. Contrary to basic bitch belief hair is not like people…it should NOT be all colors of the rainbow. A basic black or brown is acceptable.
6. Clothing should not be a physical challenge. Wear clothing that fits.

The Guys Meaningful/Important Beliefs
1. Let a man compliment you…the only response should be “Thank You.”
2. Do not use a guy as a payback for someone else’s mistake.
3. A relationship should be between two people. Not between a man, your friends, all your twitter followers, all fb friends, your pastor, Oprah, and any co-worker that will listen to you for longer than 30 seconds.
4. If you have children…you must handle a man with care. The first date is not an appropriate time to discuss childcare. Give a man some time to contemplate if he wants to have kids be a part of his life right now.
5. NO MAN IS PERFECT! Get that Prince Charming mess out of your head! With that said, it doesn’t mean there aren’t good men out there that want to do right by a woman. Put simply, let a man be a man.

Ok…time for the Ladies Physical/Frivolous Rules
1. Presentation is half the battle…there is no reason why women can have all the time to do the nominal list of hygiene requirements they must do and you can’t get your damn hair cut and wipe your shoes.
2. The wonderful inventors of our day did not create the picture message as a means to propel the visual consumption of your penis. *Please be kind, no dick pics.*
3. Though it is no longer 1999 women still “don’t want no scrubs.” Get some goals. Get some business. Get some degrees. And then maybe we can date.
4. Though this is the 21st century and phones are readily available to all please exude proper phone etiquette. An hour later is not an acceptable relay time for you to text a woman back while having a conversation. Think about it, if you were on a date and a woman says hello. Is it ok to say hello an hour later?
5. Though a man’s home maybe his castle it should not serve as an all-purpose space. It can’t be used as a restaurant, bowling alley, movie theatre, park, etc. Put simply, take women on REAL dates.

And now for the Ladies Meaningful/Important Beliefs
1. It’s a reason someone made the saying “honesty is the best policy.” It was a woman who was tired of men’s bullshit and lies.
2. Though a date may seem like a job interview, it certainly is not. The dinner table is not a time to rattle off your resume. Listen and learn to find a woman’s needs.
3. A relationship is 100/100 not any other fractional or decimal breakdown. Everyone needs to bring their BEST to the table. You can’t expect a woman to be all Sasha Fierce, sexy, funny, smart, freak in the bed, double jointed, but likes your stupid ass jokes and you’re operating at maybe 30% of that requirement.
4. A little effort goes a long way. Though it may seem like women ASK for a lot there are only a few things a woman NEEDs. Put the effort that you put into doing the things you want to do into the things that make her happy.
5. Sex shouldn’t be expected if it isn’t earned. Point Blank.

The rest of the week droned on something attune to Ben Stein in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Once Friday hit I was super excited. Andi, Prue and I were celebrating four years in our organization. We were psyched and assured that it would be a good night. But like that dreaded school subject History…how does the saying go…it is doomed to repeat itself. Like the answers to the ACT the outcome to the evening was unknown to us all. I started the night out getting dressed. I love the dress up session before a night out. It’s like a video shoot or something lol Because it’s full of modeling and posing. Gurl, I be in another zone when I’m getting ready. I be voguing and what not. There’s this extremely long hallway in my place that I use as a makeshift runway and BABYEEE I be serving! But model time was soon brought to an end as Andi and Prue arrived at my place to leave out. Now we couldn’t kick off a fabulous night without a little liquid excitement via some wine and a little bit of Sveda. We met up with Robii and Nyla and we all got into one vehicle. Shortly after we met at the apartment of a friend of a college buddy. The events shortly afterward are hazy. My memory merely has snapshots of occurrences after that. There was a bottle involved. Shots were taken. The number of which are fuzzy at best. Then we were in the car on the way to the club and there was lots of crying. Apparently I spent half the night crying...tears of joy no less. The rest of the night is a blank spot.

After eye witness testimonies I pieced together what I believe to be the accurate account. After taking a few too many shots (keep in mind I had nothing to eat that night) we all piled in Robii’s car. On the way to the club I started crying because I was told that I looked pretty but then immediately broke down in tears crying in protest that I didn’t think I was pretty. I then changed the target of my crying spell from my image to my friendship. I spoke between fits of tears about how much I loved them and wanted us to be together forever. We then arrived at the club where we were supposed to be meeting our friends. We were supposed to be there before midnite and riding at 11:45 with a packed line the chances of getting in without having to pay were slim to none. So the best plan of the half drunk individuals I was with was to go to a different bar. While in the line for the next place I was barely able to stand up needing the literal support of P.J. who was out with us that night. While in line apparently I gave Prue a “booty popping” lesson. Shortly after I guess I wanted to share this lesson with the world and indirectly mooned a group of pedestrians. (I really had to pee then and there I guess) Anyways after it was clear I couldn’t get into anyone’s establishment the crew decided to take me home. On the ride back to my car I fell asleep in the middle of a conversation. I then started belching in my sleep and indirectly started throwing up on myself. After a mass panic and immediate pulling over, I once again relieved myself threw vomiting. After we finally got back to my car I still showed no signs of being able to drive myself home. Nyla drove my car home while Robii followed. It has been handed down to me that Andi and Prue seemingly were under the influence as well and couldn’t drive. Anyways even after all that…all that adventure…all that activity…I was STILL drunk! They had to carry my intoxicated ass up the three flights of stairs to my apartment, find my keys, and dump me on my bed. Needless to say I had my own bit of drinking amnesia that night. And like all cyclic processes: the changing of the seasons, love and relationships, and academic school years some things must truly repeat themselves for us to learn things. For people to let things go. Mistakes can be blueprints for discovering what kind of life we have, what kind of people we become. It took a complete loss of control. The ultimate “detention” so to speak for me to understand that living and learning never truly stop. Even now at 121 days strong on the “No Sex Diet” I’m aware that after my 6 months of sexlessness I’ll still have more things to learn and more work to do. I’m using the universe and of course the Big Guy upstairs as my professor in hopes that one day the student will become the teacher! Are you enjoying the school time puns? Lol Lets continue.
After reflecting on my night…or lack thereof I realized I had taken a dip into the superhuman realm myself through my drinking. If Robii had become Incredible Hulk then I had taken a stroll into Bizzaro world. (Bizzaro is technically a super villain but…) This world was not short on its backwards “S”s and opposite speak. I had acted in an Anti-Vonnie matter. Choosing to spiral downwards instead of the upward growth I was making. I decided then and there that I wasn’t going to be making any more trips to Bizzaro world.

After returning to work and teaching my students lessons of my own I decided to take my ex Bo on a trip of enlightenment with me. We were taking a tour of a possible school to go to for graduate school. This plan was soon suspended as the parking lot was apparently overflowing with people that really wanted to learn there. I wasn’t that impressed. Anyway the thing that I appreciate about hanging out with Bo is that we can create a great situation out of a botched attempt. We stopped and got some lunch and found a nice park to take a walk. As we walked along the trail we decided to stop at a bench to talk. As we sat down and viewed all the beautiful objects of nature we began to talk about a familiar subject, our past relationship. For the longest time I’ve teetered on the idea of getting back together with Bo. There have been numerous times of happiness in our past but there have been low points and failing marks. The wind blew over me as I leveled with myself. Would it be so bad to get back together? Had I been the dunce of the situation? Bo had undoubtedly been the best boyfriend I ever had. We had a connection that people could only study and hypothesize about. Was I holding on to a dream of a man? A fictional character found only in the storybooks we read to children? Or was I merely daydreaming? Replaying the role of girlfriend. Love lost and then refound? Though I have had many years of schooling and solved plenty of love equations it was certain that like the value of “x” the answer was unknown to me. One thing was known, as we walked through the park back to my car things felt familiar, safe. So much so that I felt comfortable enough to grab and hold Bo’s hand on the walk. Was I being silly? Sending mixed signals like so many repeating decimals on a calculator?

Only time could be a factor of that. No matter how old we get. Ranging from kindergarten to doctoral there is always a lesson to be learned. We hope that in this university called life that we meet every challenge with a passing grade. But also like school this is not always the case. Not everyone is meant for the “honors” tracking system. You might have to repeat a class or two in order to get the meaning that God has set for you. In my life I have been blessed to have many A+ projects via my friends and family. But I’ve just as easily made mistakes as well. I’ve goofed up and failed a few tests due to not studying the material. I had to start being easier on myself. My 5 or 6 months of abstaining did not make me the Dali Llama. I was bound to make an error or two. That drunken amnesia night was merely a test I wasn’t prepared for but that didn’t flunk me out. I still had time to pull up my grades in this crash-course called “life.” And in that particular class it’s ok to be a teacher’s pet and rake in all benefits and blessings that are bestowed upon you.

Mon, Apr. 11th, 2011, 08:46 pm
Day 101!!!! The Element of Being FREE!

Hello! Hello! Love and Kudos to All!! Can you freaking believe I made it one hundred (non)fucking days!!! Well actually 101 but I was too busy out enjoying this beautiful weather in the Chi that I forgot my 100th day humping strike-aversary. It seems like this weather has been having a healing quality on me. A purification if you will. I’ve been a lot more introspective and a lot more upbeat. I thrive off this weather! I was born in August so without a doubt I’m a spring/summer baby. I love it all…The way the beautiful sunny sky seems to go on forever. That crisp effervescent smell in the air. That, plus the addition of my fly new cascading waves wig has me feeling like a true flower child. So what’s been up in the land of Black Miranda? Well ya know I’ma tell you about it!

With the end of March we all bid an emphatic goodbye and extended middle finger to Kyle. In the immortal words of Cee-lo Green and with this pain in my chest, I still wish you the best… with a FUCK YOU!!! *jams out* Ok, I’m back lol I was seriously bummed out about the Kyle thing. I mean everything had been going well. I just didn’t (and I still don’t) understand how a guy can seem so into you one minute and then easily exit stage left after the slightest glitch. (A glitch that HE started at that.) Men have no fight these days. Hmph. Whatev! Though the bad news of breakup is never good it couldn’t have come at a better time. Who could be sad over lost love when they were gearing up for a “balls to the wall” college road trip! That’s right. I certainly wasn’t April’s Fool on April 1st when several of my gurls and I were packed and ready to go down to my alma mater for its annual Black Greek Stepshow “Greek Scene.” I had all but hung up my stepping shoes as I was done with my orgs business the previous year. You should have seen us. We were too geeked to fool around with the college folk.

I mean what’s not to be excited about? Cheap alcohol and even cheaper parties. Flip flops and sweats are practically the dress code. And there are few to no consequences for public drunkenness. Yes sir, excitement was in the air as I reminisced on college nites and good times. Friday arrived soon enough and I was all abuzz as Andi came to pick me. I was a little surprised when she showed up with her new friend Bella. Now of course Andi gave me the rundown of who’s who when it came to the weekend trip but she hadn’t said anything about Bella….so I figured she was alright. No news is good news rite? Hmmm, anyway we packed up and got on the road! Andi’s good friend Shayla ,who was a certified member of our crazy college party group “Exclusive,” was sitting Packed 2 Da Back lol (get it? A TLC mention…See what I just did there? Never mind.) Anyways, Andi was tired from work so I agreed to make the drive down there. Andi and Shayla in the back. Me and the “new girl” in the front. Now, I’ll start by saying she was initially cool. I mean, ya’ll know I love being loud and usually flock to people with the same energy. I thought she was gonna be my lil “blast in a glass” ya’ know something akin to Deena from Jersey Shore. The more she talked it was apparent that she was more like Natalie Nun from Bad Girls Club, because she definitely thought she ran LA. And with my reality show personality of fun-loving Snooki mixed the shade throwing attitude of Carmen Carrera (RuPaul’s Drag Race) added with the home girl realness and asskicking quality of JWOWW that wasn’t gonna go well. I couldn’t belch or sneeze without her giving me a reason why somehow if we happened to land in California the quality of said belch or sneeze would be a thousand times better there. I was driving and she just couldn’t contain her reasons why driving in Cali was better because they had buildings and skyscrapers to look at and how we unfortunate Midwesterners had only prairie and grass to look at. By the time we arrived in Bloomington-Normal affectionately known as Blo-No I was ready to do a whole lot less talking and a whole lot more partying! Good times were all but multiplied as we met up the other gurls of Exclusive Prue, Fatima, her little sister Toy (short for Toya) and their friend Lacey.

We took in the sleepy college town sites for a bit. Grabbed some dinner. Took in a probate show. A dozen memories flooded my mind everywhere I turned. I was super excited once I caught up with my bestie Kylie! Kylie pretty much always lets me stay with her whenever I visited Blo-No. She was still trapped in the daily grind of college life as she worked and toiled her way towards that elusive beast known as diploma. I loved how whenever we get together other bullshit didn’t seem to matter. It’s like I never left. We were still silly kids staying up late and blowing off class. I had never met a “Kyle.” In fact I’d never left. We were living in 311…no it went back even further. We were in 408. And I was still a girl who believed that people were basically good and there were plenty of men out there to love. But the thing about memories are they fade fast from the cerebrum. And no matter how hard you wish for them to move from past to present they are forever trapped in your temporal lobe. Any whoo. Who had time for voices of the past? We had a party to attend. And you know what that means, it was time to DRESS! Dress Up Time is a sacred event. It is a time where women prepare to look their best. We drink and congratulate besties on killer fashion sense. The energy is all very estrogen based. We take risks. We forgo the conventional and instead live life without under garments. (I often chose to forgo underwear…what? They leave lines. Whateva!) We sprayed on an array of body sprays in hopes of becoming the embodiment of the female mystique. We showed breasts and thighs but were sure not fall too deep in our alcohol euphemism and not become them. We were not solely breasts and thighs but we didn’t mind showing a bit.

We finally arrived to the party, all buzzed up and ready to go. Or so we thought. The party venue was practically bare. We forgot we were no longer in the real world. Most clubs in the Chi were 20 bucks a pop. One had to practically be there or be square as they say before midnite or you weren’t partying that night. At a college there was only one party in the whole town. So it didn’t matter whether you were there by 12 or 2. You knew where everyone would end up so there was no need to rush it. We entertained ourselves a bit with some drinks and girl talk until the rest of the patrons arrived. It was when the party filled up that we really had to open our eyes. There were youngins up in there that were drinking with us now. When did this happen? Certainly you couldn’t presume that we were old…If we weren’t old we were something like it because you couldn't shake a tail feather or swing a clutch without potentially hitting an 18 or 19 year old. It was then that I started to chip away at the idea of moving on from college life. If maybe just for a little while. Between looking at milk mustaches and checking ID we did manage to have a good time. I shook my ass pretty much all night long despite it all. And with that Friday nite of College Trip Weekend was over.

The next day Kylie and I hooked up with my ex Bo and some of his bros. What? Yes. I was seeing a lot more of Bo these days but that didn’t mean anything. We were still cool. And I couldn’t possibly remember my college days with him. Seeing as we dated throughout all of my college years, he pretty much made my college experience. We all had breakfast circa around 2 o’clock pm, ya know the average college breakfast time, and talked about happenings; past and present; in good ole Blo-No. After that we got ready for the stepshow. I was pleasantly surprised by the outcome of the show. The Greeks had certainly stepped up their game and turned out one of the best shows they’ve had in a longtime. I was feeling nothing but proud and nostalgic as I hugged and shook hands with the people that made my life in college what it was. Those sometimes hard to remember but never able to forget faces that you shared tears, scoffs and smiles with. But of course whenever you’re dealing with School Daze settings the shit will eventually hit the fan. We were dressed and I mean actual dresses! And not the flowy kind, the hard to maneuver in kind. We were all buzzed up and ready to dance and potentially miss a step or two via the influence of Svedka and pink lemonade. Until we arrived at the gate to enter the party. You would have thought it was the Chicago riots or some shit. Niggas were scattered everywhere! Bitches were throwing up and passing out on the grass. Police were out pepper spraying people. And somewhere off in the distance Bella was telling someone how the riots of South Central were soooooo much better than this. I kid! Bitches was outside dressed in the most hoodratedness clothes that you ever did see. In the words of my gurl Prue “What are these hoes thinking?” I mean there were torn leggings and Kool-Aid colored hair galore! I was just standing there taking it all in. Was this what college had been reduced to? I thought we had driven almost 2 hours away from the streets of Chicago but had I been mistaken? Was Blo-No the new hood? I didn’t have much time for analysis as I was so rudely shoved by some random GDI (God Damn Individual) wearing a black leather miniskirt, Rihanna Fire Engine Red hair, and a half jacket with just a bra. It was then at this time I had to throw my hands up in defeat. *In Chris Brown’s smooth R&B voice* I’m Done! It was then that the stone had completely crumbled. I was too old to fuck around with college bullshit. I mean even at Green Dolphin in the Chi the worst thing to happen is a couple bitches fight in the bathroom or somebody gets shot. But that shit happens and we can all get along with our night, shake our asses, and sip our moscato. It was practically Def Con 7 up in that bitch. It was time for me to forget about Stepshows and focus more on impressing CEOs. Career Flow was all but assumed. Kylie and I went home. Took another shot in the hopes of catching an afterparty. Had some pizza. Watched the Michael Jackson story and fell asleep. The next morning we all woke up, a lil bit hungover but a lil bit wiser. We had breakfast and recapped the entire weekend. Goodbyes were said and we were off on our journey home. A little more focused on the future but definitely appreciative of the wild adventure to the past. And with that the College Road Trip had ended.

Life had pretty much assumed its regular balance of mundane as I anticipated the then arrival of the events that conspired this past weekend. I was anticipating and secretly obsessing over Friday. Somewhere during the week I naively agreed to plans of “hanging out” with Bo. Words that seemed harmlessly were suddenly inflated in my mind as I contemplated just what hanging out meant. Did Bo think it was something more? Did I want it to be something more? Could we really live just being friends or would we be unable to fight the forces of nature as we had times before and fall back into the role of a couple? Somewhere between my self mutterings Friday had presented itself. Tuck had texted me that Kylie was coming up for the weekend and that the damn near married two wanted to know if we wanted to do something. I told him that Bo and I were hanging out but if we were in the area maybe we could do something. Bo and I finally nailed down a location for us to hit up, Dave and Busters! Where an adult could act like a kid….but still have a stiff drink. Bo was nothing but cordial and gentlemanly leading me to feel more anxiety to the night’s events. He was opening doors and putting his arm on my waist when moving through crowds and wanting a kiss. Awkward would be an understatement. Nevertheless, Bo still managed to make me feel comfortable as we joked and laughed like old times. Bo had shared with me at the table waiting for drinks that problems at home were getting worse. I was all but sympathetic as I was aware of Parent-Child frustrations. I gave his problems a good listen and tried to offer helpful advice. Until his mother happened to call. He all but shut down after that phone call. I couldn’t do anything but look away at that point. As much love as I had for Bo I wasn’t sure if we could ever date again. When Bo and I started to talk again I told myself that if I were ever to even consider getting back with him we would have to wipe the slate clean. I would have to go about dating him as if we were with any other new guy I went out with. If this had been a date…I would have piled him with the other weirdoes and rejects with issues I had the displeasure of encountering in my dating lifetime. And I hope that that doesn’t seem mean but it is truthful. Bo took a minute and then shook it off. He apologized for the meltdown and we ate our food then went off to look for some games to play.

Ok I need to have a random rant time…
Is it me or is the service at restaurants just downright terrible nowadays? Them niggas in Dave and Busters were sitting on they asses not doing a muthafucking thing! I had to damn near hogtie one of them to get some extra mayo and napkins! Sheesh! Do better food industry. Do Better.


We decided to hit up one of our favorite games Time Crisis 4. I must admit focusing on shooting fictional things (instead of annoying real things) can be very relaxing. We gamed and scored and collected tickets. As we walked around the organized chaos, bright lights and dizzy spinning sounds, I felt like I could take a breath. Finally. I hadn’t had things completely figured out but I felt like I was definitely making progress towards the woman I wanted to be. I was conquering my emotions and meeting any issues head-on with decisiveness. I was forgiving the past and looking forward to the future. Bo mentioned that he had to stop by the house for something. I figured since he stayed right down the street from Tuck that we check in with him and Kylie to see what they were doing? Kylie had finally arrived from Blo-No and they were just in negotiations about what to do for the night. We didn’t have anything else planed so we figured it would be better to combine our efforts! Lol Tuck told us about this random place he and Kylie had been together and we all agreed to go. I tell you the stars must have been aligned and set up because we were definitely at the right place at the right time! Insert Greg. It is at this time where I must tell you that every blog I write is 100% true with some clever or not so clever name changes as to protect my besties. And every symbol typed is my oath to swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but it. Greg was an older gentleman. He had to be 50 or 55 years of age. He seemed to be a pretty sensible white male who had done pretty well for himself. It was until he opened his mouth that the listener of his words was left in awe. Greg had seen Kylie and I walk in. Of course we were looking good and angelic as usual. He must have noticed. When the boys came in and sat next to us Greg had just shouted “Drinks on me!” Of course he didn’t shout it so much as slurred it. My friends and I were never too proud for a handout especially one centered around booze and told the mammary endowed bartender (that means her breasts were huge) that the next round was on Greg. Greg at that time was sitting across the bar. He stumbled his way over near us and proceeded to give us some words of wisdom. His catchphrases were as followed “Kenny got his neck broke fucking with the kinfolk,” “Shit, my cookie don’t crumble. They can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man,” and of course our favorite of the night, “Stay from the ghetto, stay the fuck out of the ghetto.” There were more slurred inspirational quotes but the meanings were hard to make out. Any Whoo. All I know is the more he talked and the more I smiled and giggled the more “our” tab became “his” tab. We managed to make out with about 4 or 5 drinks each! Including a couple shots of patron and numerous Vegas bombs! Yes, it was a wonderful night. And the feeling that I had when I was with Kylie, Tuck, and Bo was all but reassured. The feeling that you get when you feel like your friendship was meant to be. Like God put these special people in your life with a purpose of making you a better human being. But it could’ve been the Patron shots…lol A great night was made perfect as we left, not having to pay a single cent, and went back to Tuck’s place to watch Bebe’s Kids.

The next day I practically hit the ground running as I had to drop Bo off at home. Drove from the city to my suburban home. Jumped in the shower. Barely had enough time to get dressed and speed off to lunch with my father and grandmother. The afternoon was very pleasant. With a few hiccups for lack of a better word. Do you know my grandmother went up to some random (uncute) guy in Sam’s Club and asked him if he wanted to date her granddaughter? EW! He was a Direct TV guy at that. I despise those people. And he was balding. Surprisingly, we talked a lot about meeting people and relationships. I had never been that open with my dad. We can laugh and talk but when it comes to the dating aspect of my life my dad tears up and waves his hands in the air hysterically shouting “what happened to the days when you were up to my knee. My baby can’t be dating boys now!” And that’s just something I don’t like to go through. But my Dad had finally gotten tired of being alone. He joked about it but I could tell not having a woman in his life really bothered him. I wanted desperately for my Dad and my Mom to be happy. I felt they both still had a lot of growth and soul searching to do.

It was through our conversations that I began free myself of a lot of my dating insecurities. Through advice from the parentals I had finally got it in my head that every man I go on a date with is not destined to be my boyfriend! That guys didn’t have to be some target to fixate on. That dating was trial and a whole lot of error. The thing with Kyle didn’t need to be explained. A lot of girls want to know why, why, why. Why did you do this? Why did you say that? Why didn’t you fight harder for me? Sometimes there was no deeper answer than the shit wasn’t meant to be. It wasn’t some chess game where you review all your moves during gameplay. It was kinda like that game Minesweeper. There is no real strategy. You weren’t even too sure what the rules were but you know when you hit a mine…the effing game is over. lol I was reaffirmed in my decision to go on an intercourse hiatus and really started to be more choosey on who I let not just in my bed but in my life as well. Memories of past hurts, motorcycles, painful phone calls, fluorescent doctor's office lights, and lies were all but sailing away. I didn’t have to spend my time locking up my heart and plotting fictional confrontations of past heartbreaks. What’d I say, What he’d say, blah blah blah. I could forgive my past transgressions and begin to cling to idea of “me.” What I want. What I wanna say. What people I shuttle in and out of my life. I was essentially letting myself know it was ok to take back the power. That I could be choosey but not be bitter. That I was the maker of my own book of “Da Rules” as the Kids Next Door so adorably named it.

That Sunday I sat outside on my grandmother’s back porch and pictured my reflection in the never-ending sky. I thought of all I had learned and more importantly all I had felt since the start of April. The Big Guy in the sky had just about given me everything I needed. I was bored. He gave me an adventure. I was lonely. He gave me friends and fun times. I was broke. He made my dad give me some money. (Yes!) I felt empty. And he breathed a new passion for life into me. I was torn down, bitterly imprisoned by my negative emotions. He made me…….FREE. Maybe it was the sunshine maybe it was my new wig but whatever it was I was glad. I could never find enough words to tell you about this new feeling that I have. But I feel like I’m a better person like maybe I’m on my way to being a whole person or merely just scratched the surface. All I can tell you is that I “know.”

I decided to name this entry the Element of Being Free because this moment in life is just that, an element. A part. A piece. To the person I’ll ultimately become. But it’s a piece that makes a difference. All I can tell you is I feel this airy presence in my chest. And I feel like even when I’m standing still, I’m flying.

Vonnie Out!

Sun, Mar. 27th, 2011, 09:38 am
Day 86: Full-Time Jobs and Part-Time Lovers?

Kon-nichi-ha mis Chibi-minions? Loosely translated, What’s up my lil minions? Wow! Can you believe I’m almost 3 months strong on this humping strike? Half way from my ultimate goal! Let’s see what has been the skinny or well in my case the “slightly slimming” in my awesomely abstaining life so far? I’m sure my abundant amount of readers *insert sarcasm here* are noticing that a lot of my blog entries are focused on work of some kind. And the reason why is simple, “if you ain’t got a job, then you trying to get one!” Or at least you should be trying to get one. *eye roll* But seriously for young twenty somethings, especially those making the college to real world transition your life, your survival everything is focused on working. Lately for me it hasn’t been just any kind of work more specifically professional work. I mean I could have gotten a job at Wal-Mart or Home Depot after high school. Who wants to graduate from an accredited University to push paper at FedEx Kinko’s? I was in an especial frantic mood around two weeks ago.



After getting almost daily lectures from the parentals on the importance of not staying stagnant after graduation and how bills don’t pay themselves I began to start piecing together some work-related plans. I all but attacked Monster.com and passed out resumes to local businesses until my poor little pointers and pinkies pounded. (Don’t you just love the alliteration?) Anyways all my job hunting antics seemed like they were working to no avail. I took a break from the job search to celebrate help celebrate Kyle’s birthday! I was really excited. I knew that many of his close friends would be there so I wanted to make a good impression. I took the little amount of money I got from my work check and began the beautification process. I had a dress that I hadn’t worn since my 22nd bday….I’m turning 24 this year. You do the math. Anyways I was thinking of a way to spice it up i.e. make it look more trampy lol My mother took one look at me while I tried on the dress, shook her head and walked off. She came back and said, “You know Vonnie, you only get one first impression.” I chuckled and continued posing. Shit I was going to a club not out to the fucking opera. I’m sure the gentleman callers would not comment on how lovely my waist was accentuated as I was bending down and grinding my ass on them! Next!


I decided to buy some fishnet stockings to make the dress pop! I then went to the mall to see if there was anything else I could find. I searched the outskirts of Forever 21. I love their cheap ass hippie jewelry. But it definitely has a rule. Then necklaces and rings are on a surefire Cinderella deadline. You get one night out to rock them. One. Fucking. Night. Out. To get all the glory and glitz and glam out of them. After that, that shit is faded for the rest of the span of its life. I mean unless u don’t dance or sweat. I stopped by the Deb because we all know what we go to the Deb for….cheaply priced and cheaply made clothing. You go to the Deb when you’re short on cash and short on being conservative. It’s when any old garment will do lol I was go there to find some cheap jeans. What? The economy may have picked up a bit but I’m not Big Mama Money Bags! I gots to stretch my funds. I know Deb is one of the only places I can get a $10 pair of pants that are actually in style. I lucked up on a pair of jeggings for $15. Super cute and comfortable! You can’t go wrong! Anyway as I was getting ready to leave out the mall I spotted the eyebrow art station. I took a gander at my eyebrows who had undoubtly along with my nails been hit the hardest in my economic downfall. I paid the some form of Oriental lady and hopped in the chair. Why did I do that? Why in the FUCK did I do that? I should have slightly eased myself back into threading. I shouldn’t have just gone all willy nilly. And in addition I was on my period which if you do the research you are extra sensitive at that time of the month. That mess hurt! I had tears streaming all down my eyes. I couldn’t have gotten up out of that chair fast enough!


As the time drew nearer to the event I of course began to freak out. What if I looked too slutty? What if his friends don’t like me? What if. What it. What if? I rethought my outfit several times until I finally decided against the tightly fitting dress and went with the new jeggings and cute top. I figured it was sexy and functional. I could schmooze and bounce and break my back lol I rounded up the troops and we were off. Now I tried to forewarn my girls from the start. Kyle was NOT my boyfriend. He had other people coming and he might not be able to spend much time with me. They didn’t get the memo lol once we were in Funk there came the questions. Where was Kyle? Why were we buying drinks? (Which was actually a very good question) Why wasn’t I dancing with him? Questions Questions Questions. And this was no interview or application! Lol I tried not to freak out. But I did wonder the same things. Vivica was right in Two Can Play That Game. “Remain claim. If your friends see you worry. They will worry and your self-confidence will be fucked up! And confidence is key.” Any ways we still got it in. I had all the guys jocking by way of glorious jiggling gluts lol All the attention, dance requests, and phone number proposals I could have wanted. I should have been happy right? Wrong! Happiness I mean really? What do women know about that? Sure I had attention but not from the person I had come there to see. I wasn’t saying he should have been all up my ass or anything but let me know that me being there was important. It was important to me. I instantly felt a pain in my stomach. I wasn’t sure if it was cramps or something else…While I took a tea break I was instantly bombarded by the besties. They all blurted out, “Kyle wants to talk to you!” And then whisked me away and dropped me off next to him.


I was embarrassed. I hoped they didn’t say anything too crazy this time. Kyle told me that my friends were worried. I told him I didn’t tell them to say anything. He reiterated the whole point about him being there to entertain people and blah blah fucking blah. I got it. I was over it. How does the commercial go…could have had a V8? The whole night had been a bust not to mention my cramps or stomach ulcers were getting worse. The room was spinning and it was getting hard for me to even stand. I had to get out of there! I felt terrible for inviting my friends and then leaving. But I couldn’t think about that as I was racing down the cold streets near Division in downtown Chicago. I barely made it home. I coiled into bed and regretted the whole night. Of course the next day was the backlash. Of course I could have left well enough alone but hey remember me? Black Miranda the whole I’m a woman, I have a vag thing? Anyways I brought up what happened the night before. I told him how I felt bogus about the whole thing. He hit me with the blah blah blah thing again. He said he had a lot of ppl there to watch….and so on. Then the World Trade might as well blew up on my text message…he said my friends had “fucking annoyed him.” Urr??? Run that back again? I don’t care who you are, don’t care if we have a disagreement or what but nobody gets away with talking shit about the besties!!!! NO ONE! I told him maybe if he hadn’t acted like such a dick then maybe my friends wouldn’t have had to intervene. Whatever. Words were exchanged. Shit was talked. And a truce was somewhere down the line agreed upon.


The whole thing with Kyle had really struck a chord with me. I realized I was sorta stuck in a way. He had this topsy turvy schedule where he could cancel on me at the drop of a dime. I didn’t hold way as near importance to him as I was building him up to me. I vowed then and there that even though I still liked him and things were at that time cool between us I would stay busy the upcoming week of March 21st.


The next day I got a chance to hang with my oldest and best friend Unique! I had known her since 5th grade! And though we haven’t seen much of each other in our adult years the friendship was still there. We decided to go to a dance competition run by one of our other childhood friends Jon. Lawd! The hoodratedness that was taking place at that event. I noted via twitter that I had never seen so many niggas on one stage foot working at the same time! And I stand by that statement. After I dropped off Unique I had a few errands to run. As I got in the car I got a call from an unknown number. I picked up and the voice asked, “What you doing?” And I promptly replied asking who the fuck it was!?! It turns out it was my ex Bo. Apparently he had broken up with or was broken up with by his latest girlfriend. I wasn’t up for a woe is me chat session but decided to let him vent. As much as I complain to family and friends it was the least I could do. After the discussion I promised to hang with him the following weekend.


As if by some silently cloaked breeze my vacation from my actual paying job was over and back to work I returned. I’d love to tell you that I missed the children’s bright shining jubilant faces….in all actuality I was oh so thankful that nothing was currently occupying my womb! I love the kids. Don’t get me wrong, but the things that they say. It should be a crime that a person so small who can’t cook for themselves or wipe their own ass could talk back to an adult. Work was normal though I was happy to be out and doing something productive like adding revenue to my bank account.  Project Occupy Ya Damn Time was in full effect. Work and the gym on Monday. Grocery shopping, work, gym, and The Game on Tuesday. (I can’t live without my Tasha Mack!) Impromptu Job Interview, Work, Dinner and Hang Out Session with my Dad on Wednesday. Work and unscheduled one day vacation down to ISU with my gurl Andi on Thursday. Lunch and two hour car ride back home with bestie Andi then random city ride and dinner talking shit with the besties Nyla and Robii. Whew! I was quite the Mary Poppins wasn’t I? Even though I hardly kept my ass in a seat during last week I still found myself thinking about Kyle. I couldn’t understand how you can like someone but never see them. I had made the big mistake also of throwing out the idea of meeting my mother. And as soon as I had said or rather texted the words I had all but regretted them. I mean what was I doing? I had barely seen him let alone bring him home to mom? I was really tweaking. Nyla had commented at dinner on Friday that looking at the spectrum of things I could count the number of times I had seen Kyle and still have a pinky left over. Was that true? Was I really sweating a nigga I had a couple dates with? Were times really that hard when all you had to do to get a woman to have a mental breakdown over a man is buy her dinner and take her to the movies a couple times? I know I’m supposed to be the new and improved, lighter and leaner and not so meaner 2011 edition Vonnie but there are times when I really miss my bitchier 2008-2009 model Vonnie. That bitch would cuss you out cuz the wind was blowing. Lbs I just felt like when I was meaner and my guards were held higher things didn’t bother me as much. Of course, at this time I was also fucking whoever came along that fondled my fancy so hey it wasn’t like I was winning at life or anything.


I couldn’t help but realize that in attaining our better self we lose something. And please allow me to be an anime nerd for a moment but like the series Full Metal Alchemist proclaimed “in order to gain something you must lose something of greater or equal value. [And most people] know that to be their one and only truth.” Sure we lose the bitterness and pain but you can’t help but wonder did we lose a little of the good stuff too? At least the stuff that made us feel strong? Any Whoo! Didn’t have much time to ponder it. I had a potential candidate to attend to the next day.


I woke up Saturday with a stretch and a grumble. I was anticipating a day out with an old friend. Now before you rack you brain thinking about it was Bo, my ex. I can see some of the expressions now. Is this Bo the ex you said you were over? The one you said you were finally out of love with. And the answer is yes. And fuck you. Lol Well I said I told him I’d hang out with him!!! I couldn’t help but feel like maybe I was using Bo a little bit. I mean I always could depend on Bo to be there for me. We knew nearly everything about one another. He knew my likes and pet peeves. (Even though he insisted on displaying those peeves at times, much to my dismay) We were simply two of a kind and no matter what either one wanted it didn’t seem like it was gonna change this century anyways. And sure enough when I picked him up from our usual drop zone of Ford City mall (what it’s only 15 mins from my house, gas is high!) things reverted right back to the usual shit talking and teasing. It was refreshing. It was nice to be with a guy that “gets” me. And I was sure Bo was feeling better too. As crazy as I wasn’t about his ex girlfriend, or him having any other relationship for that matter, I couldn’t help but want to solve his conundrum. I even plotted possible reconciliation of the two parties but decided against it. Bo and I went out to eat. In which he paid. Went to see Diary of a Wimpy Kid 2. (Which was awesome!) In which he paid. And lastly went to shoot some pool…in which…I paid lol What? I knew I wasn’t gonna get off Scott-Free! In that moment of Bo lining up his pool cue with the white ball, I looked at him. Really looked at him and took a moment to think.


There I was. The boss of Black Miranda Industries. Plotting universal success and corporate takeovers. At this time there were two possible candidates for a very lucrative merger. I felt all Tyra Banks for a second. “There are two significant other applications in my hand…only one of you can go on with hopes of becoming Vonnie’s Next Top Husband.” LMFAO! Crazy but true! If you asked me a month ago if I would be contemplating getting back with my ex I would have laughed in your face. But I was taking the time to realize just how awesome he was to me. You can’t help but want something like that back. But there was something else holding me back from exploring that option, Bo. I was actually being unselfish and thinking about his feelings! (shocking I know) But I had done him bogus. I cheated multiple times on Bo. It was not my finest hour or half day either. He had no reason to want to even be in my presence. I couldn’t take that for granted. And the last thing I would wanna do is set things up for him to get hurt again. Regardless of what I thought, I did have a heart. And it still had love for him. Enough love to know that maybe I wasn’t the one for him but I could help him find it. Anyway, as that wonderful maven of British accents and blunted speech Nicki Minaj sang “before the storm comes the calm….hope you can take the heat like LeBron.” The heat was definitely about to be felt this day Sunday March 27th.


Kyle had told me that Sunday would definitely be open and revving to go for us to finally see each other. I knew come Sunday it most certainly wouldn’t be. You know how Spiderman had spiddy senses well my “Nigga You Full of Shit” senses was electric sliding up my damn back come Sunday morning. I didn’t want to believe it but I somehow knew our plans would get cancelled. (Um, maybe because he’s done it 3 times before? Duh?) I woke up and was saved via twitter. One of my followers stated that she was about to get back in bed but decided to get up and go to church. Of course twitter is pretty much my advisor on life so I took this as a direct message from the Big Guy to get my ass up and hear his holy word. And what would the sermon be about? Oh Yes, “I Believe in Love.” Whoa! Direct connection anyone? I let the message flow through me. The pastor knew he preached a good message. Had me at the altar crying and snotting and what not. He told me the basic message that I had to love my neighbor as I loved myself but added some yelling and jive and finger pointing and shouting! Lol I couldn’t help but think doesn’t RuPaul say the same thing? “If you can’t love yourself, how the HELL you gone love somebody else?”  But seriously the message moved me. When he began to really speak I stood up and shouted. Now I’m not the shouting type. I’ll clap. Maybe say a few “Yes, Lord”s but I am not a shouter or a stander for that matter. (Don’t want anyone to recognize my hidden shame) I couldn’t help but think about the episode of Sex and the City. Ya know? The one where Charlotte was losing her optimism and Brady was getting baptized? Now you remember? Lol Anyways she had been doing the daily affirmations and they weren’t working. All I could hear in my mind was “Maybe you’re not putting yourself out there?” Carrie replied, “Um, I know her and she’s putting herself put there.” The lady replied, “Well maybe you’re not really putting yourself out there?” Carrie replied with a shocked scoff on her face, “TRUST ME, she’s really putting herself out there.” That’s how I felt. I was putting myself out there for Kyle. I was really dangling on the idea of love.


But in my quest to find a new recruit had I been the one jumping through hoops? I went home and waited. Of course every fiber of my being wanted to call and text him a billion times to get an answer as to why he never follows through on plans that he sets up. I waited one hour. Then another. And finally before I knew it I was pounding the screen of my poor lil Android powered phone. I got an instant response. Like nothing bothered him at all. It was almost 6 o’clock. Now is it just me or if you were planning a date with someone and that person had a regular life…ya know where they have to breathe air and drink water and ya know live in a world where if someone tells them they have a date on Sunday night that the fucker check in with them perhaps oh I don’t know before SUNDAY FUCKING NITE! *pause*


O.k. I’m calm. But seriously. I make it a point to tell any guy I’m dealing with my pet peeves and hang ups, and number one on the list is getting stood up. I don’t like waiting on dudes! Have you not been paying attention to my blog? Have I not told you time and time again that I have the patience of an eight year old when it’s snack time? Guess you didn’t take me seriously. I yelled and clawed via text message for a while before I pulled a full frontal assault. In my mind the enemy must be expunged! I deleted the number, unfollowed the twitter and alerted the besties to this dismay. I couldn’t believe it. Just like that. Another failed whatever you wanna call it. I couldn’t believe a day in which I had sought answers was coming back with so many questions. Why does this keep happening to me? Will I ever find a guy who will treat me right? Is there really a guy out there for me? Or the worst possible question to ask yourself…Is it me? I was empty and void. I even contemplated not finishing this current post but the advice of my friends pulled me through.


Robii couldn’t understand why I was sweating about him in the first place. “Just live your live and don’t let niggas steal your dreams.” And though I was a little bothered by the simplistic “Just Do It” style of advice that Robii gave it didn’t mean I didn’t appreciate it. Eve told me to just let it go. And she was right. There was no need to gasp for breath, to grasp for falling straws like a clerical assistant grasping for a misplaced pen. Life was hard enough without adding more unnecessary tasks. I remembered something the preacher had mentioned earlier today. The notion of love as we know it is flawed. We view it as being fulfilled by one person. When in the gospel love was literally seen in everything. Love was the way the sun shines and instantly makes you smile. Love was in my students actually telling something they learned from me. Love was the way my mom buys something I beg for even though I probably don’t need it. And love was definitely in the kind words that your besties say to you, knowing they don’t have to at all. I love my family but they’re something you are born with. The fact that my friends choose to be my friends is amazing to me. Me? With my flawed self. I can be a lot to deal with, but they stand by me. My sisters in arms…..arms stretched out to console me and uplift me when I need it. Nyla all but confirmed my feelings when she texted before she went to bed.


“I just want you to be happy, and that begins from within. Night night! Xoxo”


Directly from my cell phone.


I pray.


I am so thankful Lord for the people you’ve placed in my life. I hope I’m able to focus more on the love I have in my love than the petty love I don’t have in my life. And being wrapped up in all that love has to make me a better person. Besides…thinking over the b.s. with Kyle there were 3 truths…Shoot at least I got one free dinner, a free movie and free entry at the club. *rolls eyes hard* And not having to pay any money…now that’s love Lls


Well until next time my minions

Vonnie Out!




Sun, Mar. 13th, 2011, 11:37 pm
Day 72: All Work and No Play?

What is up my little minions?!? It’s that time again. Time to give you the up-to-date details of my otherwise tantalizing single girl life. Well…I’ve been working hard at hardly working lol I’ve recently been getting pressure from my family and others about possibly teaching. I’ve got a degree in English Education and up until I stepped into an actual classroom I was pretty sure I wanted to be a teacher. After I stepped into CPS babyyyyyyy, that bullshit was for the birds. And for all you people reading this saying to yourself, “Aw, you should teach. Teaching is so rewarding!” You can take turns kissing my ass. Now I’ll admit I had a not so great experience but teaching is a lot of stress. You have to take it from many different sources. And much like an underpaid porn star, you know that sometime while you’re working, you’re gonna get fucked! B.S. aside I am nervous to teach. I’m afraid to give up my freedom. I want to become a successful woman but still be able to have a fun flirty personality. When I student taught I was really down and didn’t want to do much outside of work. I literally came home, graded papers, and went to sleep. Shit my life can be boring as it is without having pieces of papers stuck in my hair and Expo marker stains on my shirt. That’s not very Sex and the City. Any whoo….


A couple Fridays ago I was making my way to a work social with some of my coworkers. We had all agreed (with some pushing from me of course) that we should get to know each other outside of the office. Now let me start with saying I love what I do. It allows me to work with students without having to be with them around the clock. I can be a lot more casual and open with the students but still maintain an authority position. If only I got more hours! Anyway, while I was freaking out and cursing in traffic I finally made my way to the restaurant.  We all laughed and shared funny work stories. I was surprised to figure out that my “hot boss” was merely a few months older than me! One of my coworkers Tami was surprisingly very open about her life. And of course I feed off being thrilling and next thing I know we’re talking about bad dates and crazy exes! The food was great and they had good drinks. I had the best salad I’ve every placed in my mouth! And I had a couple Apple Ciders. (Even though I was on a supposed “cleanse” at the time…..what? Salad is good. So are apples lol) After dinner and drinks a few of us decided that we weren’t ready to end the night so we headed to a lil dance bar a few blocks away. Keep in mind that I work with majority Latino coworkers and I’m the only black girl. The cool thing is blacks and Mexicans aren’t too different so I never feel out of place…except with that mariachi music. I need a few drinks before I can dance to that….and that’s exactly what happened lol


I couldn’t help that my coworkers kept buying me drinks! Cosmos and Watermelon martinis at that! Next thing I know I was on the dance floor with three of my coworkers. We were the only ones lol As the lights washed over me, flickering of pinks; blues; and neons, and smoke from the smoke machine created a haze around me I really felt alive! I know, how cliché. But it’s true. I felt how it feels to be fearless. To just dance and not care who’s around. I felt the spirit of the Single Girl Party Gods lol and I was definitely reaping their blessings. And to think I experienced it with the people who sign my paychecks. Très Awesome! What can I say? We work hard and we play even harder.


Just coming off of a wonderful night out with my work buddies it only felt natural to top off the weekend with a night out with besties! That Saturday afternoon I didn’t do much other than sit on my butt all day and watch a marathon of RuPaul’s Drag Races. (I loves me some Sheangela! Halleloo!) So of course I had to be fierce when heading out that night. I loved all the wigs and crazy outfits so I decided to go big for the evening out. I had to wear my curly wig! And hunny I beat my face until I couldn’t no more! I have been losing a little weight lately so I decided to continue the illusion by wearing all black. Some people proclaim themselves as fashion victims. Hunny, I don’t know about dying for fashion but I was definitely killing for it lol These wonderful heels Kylie bought me for Christmas all but completed the look. So, who was up on the roster of sexy chicas out on the town for this outing? Let’s see, of course there was my bestie Robii. Couldn’t have a fun time without her. Also my besties from college Andi and Prue. We were in the same organization which meant we were practically gonna be together forever! And last but not least was my favorite roomie of all time Kylie from college as well. We all had different personalities but we all came together in the spirit of partying.


That night was awesome. I couldn’t lie I was majorly feeling myself that night. I felt good and looked good. I don’t know, it just feels awesome when you know your worth. Any way we danced the night away as usual. Got hit on by some “Wacka Flockas” as Robii had cleverly named the band of thirsty ghetto patrons. Some dude who we later found out was “technically” married tried to hit on Andi. I was pissed because he tried to butter me up for info on her and then gone try and play my gurl. Fuck outta here! Some idiot spilled a drink on my ass. Then gone say, “I’ll pay for it.” Then looked crazy when I had my hand out. All and all it was a good night. I rode the last bits of euphoria on the car ride home. I felt like a little kid swinging on the swings. Pumping my legs forward. Going higher and higher. That feeling you have when the sun is shining and you hold your head back while you’re swinging. It feels like you can stay there for all of your life. You ride that dizzy feeling as long as you can. And you pray you never have to get off.


The next day was not so fancy free. It had been three weeks since my last date with Kyle. We called and texted often but every time it came to executing an actual date the results were the same. CANCELLED! Then I thought back to our first date. I had initiated it in the first place. I was often the person who texted or called first. I wasn’t bothered by it because I liked him. But what if this was like every other bad relationship I had. What if more and more I had to push him to do things until I was a saggy skinned shell of a woman smoking a cigarette with slippers and rollers in her hair. I tried to do some work around the house to get my mind off things. I hadn’t heard from Kyle that day. He told me the previous Friday that we would hang out the following Sunday and here it was Sunday and I was hanging around the house watching Murder She Wrote with my mom. I couldn’t help thinking as I swept and mopped the kitchen, “I could’ve been wearing a tight outfit at a nice restaurant right now.”  I finally broke down and texted Kyle. He texted back as if things were normal. After some hints and attempts at bringing up the subject of our date I had just flat out told him the problem. I was angry because it had been the third time he had to cancel on me for one reason or another. I was sick of it. I felt like my time was being shit on! He apologized but told me in a “matter-of-fact” way that this kinda thing just happens. That’s cool and all but I don’t wanna hear that shit. Of course I had to conference with the besties. I was afraid of what they’d say. I know what I would tell one of them. Get rid of him hunny! He obvious doesn’t value you or your time and if he thought you were special he wouldn’t play you like that. Of course that’s what they said…It was at that point I was about to be like Nicki Minaj in Catch Me and “fall back in the bass drum.” I couldn’t believe I had hit another dead end in the dating scene. I decided not to call or text him just to see if he would try to contact me. I think it was harder on me than it was on him. When I like someone it’s hard to restrain myself. And if I give myself too much time I turn manic. I finally heard from him three days later. He insisted that the lack of contact wasn’t over the squabble but it was hard to swallow on my end. I was slowly starting to back out on my feeling for Kyle. I didn’t want to get hurt again and I figured you can’t get hurt if you don’t care in the first place. What? I can’t help it. It’s my natural defense mechanism. Don’t worry. It has a happier turn of events in which I will clue you in later.


While I was still riding my anti-Kyle energy I decided to find something to occupy my time. I had a couple weeks off of work and was already going through withdrawals. I considered trying Match.com. A lot of people I know said they met the love of their life off that crap. Once I looked at the website and their pricing I decided the love of my life would have to wait until I found the bank account of my life. Shit, I’m still making peanuts lol While I was searching around the net I came across a website called MeetUp. I originally wanted to find a Women’s Volleyball league near my house but was horrified at the $95 registration fee they were asking for. What? A volleyball only costs about $5. Who the hell paying all that money to hit a ball around? Shoot. Anyway I stumbled across a black professionals’ social group. They boasted that they welcomed all Chicagoland African-American professionals that wanted to come together to engage in social interactions and enjoy other successful black company. I struggled for a second with if I should join? Am I successful enough? Am I old enough? Will they like me? I figured I had a college degree and a decent job and that was good enough for me. I joined the group and coincidently they had their big monthly event the following Saturday. So I RSVP’d to the event and that was that. It was only Thursday so in the mean time I had to stay as busy as possible so thoughts of Kyle wouldn’t chase me around too much. I went to dinner that night with Andi to toast her new promotion at work! We talked about love and life and had a really wonderful evening. We were supposed to meet up the next day to hang but I had to bail at the last minute. My mother wanted me to run with her to do a few “necessary” errands, such as shop and eat Chinese food. Anyway…my mother went to work after our little afternoon and I was left at home alone to contemplate. I considered going to the gym. Until I got an unexpected text from Kyle.


He wanted to know if I had something to do that day. I didn’t want to seem as if I was just going to drop everything to do something with him so I conjured up some supposed places I had to go and didn’t know if I could hang with him. In reality I was probably going to sit on my ass at home eating my Buy One, Get One Free Burritos from Chipotle! (They were delicious by the way) After a bit of resistance I agreed to go out and see a movie with him. I all of a sudden got nervous. How would I act around him? I was still admittedly pissed at him. But I didn’t want to be a total bitch. What if it was all awkward? I was hoping he wouldn’t be late…and he ended up being late lol I wasn’t too bothered because in the end I was even more late than him lol What? It’s ok for a girl to be late. We have to make a dramatic entrance. It’s perfectly ok for a guy to sit waiting for a girl. But it is not cool to be a single girl waiting desperately on a man. Not cool. I’ll admit I was happy to see him. He looked and smelled good and was wearing his trademark “all black everything.” “Damn it,” I thought to myself, “Why does he have to be so damn cute.” He bought the movies tickets and we had a little time to kill. I tried to keep up my “nonchalant” attitude but this was easily broken as he scooted my chair closer to him with a sudden wisk. I instantly got shy. And if I wasn’t so dark I’m sure I would have blushed. I liked that he was a little forceful. I’m a stubborn ass and I need someone to deflect that. He casually joked that he knew I was probably still mad about the previous Sunday’s little spat. I was. He knew I was probably going to blog something crazy about him on live journal. I am. And he knew I probably told all my friends what happened. And I did. We laughed it off and had officially broken the ice.


I have to state that I really really REALLY enjoy spending time with Kyle and I wouldn’t pitch such a fit if I didn’t like him. I like the way he makes me feel. I feel like a girl around him. I know shocking right? But seriously. When messing around with these dudes in the city you can’t be caught slipping. You can’t let a nigga think he can get the best of you so you gotta be on your guard. The least bit of slack can cause you a broken heart. But I don’t feel like I need to do that around him. I can be soft and feminine around him and I like that. And the way he makes me laugh! The best. When we’re together I feel like it could be more. But when we’re apart it feels like we’re worlds apart. I need constant attention. And I know I’m a big girl and need to learn how to deal on my own but I’m not the kind of girl that can have a part time relationship. I don’t feel my feelings part time. If I like you, it’s pretty safe to say I think of you all the time. Especially since I’m not having sex. *frownie face* Anyways Kyle was the perfect gentleman on our movie date. I especially liked that he grabbed my hand to hold it. I felt so giddy hehehe Imagine me. A 23 year college graduate excited about holding hands. I told you. Intimacy is the best feeling you can have with someone. You feel safe. The movie was freaking hilarious. But eventually the night had to end. I was sad. In that short time we had reconnected and the feeling was definitely still there. He walked me to the car and I gave him a big hug. I secretly hoped in my head that he would go in for a kiss. He didn’t, so I decided to go in for another hug. I guess he got the picture because he asked for a kiss. It was so good we decided to indulge in another one lol I was elated! I tried to be cool but of course I looked back as I entered the driver side of the car. Just like Carrie said, “It would have been so cool if I hadn’t looked back.” But I did. And what originally seemed like a lot of work now seemed so easy.


I couldn’t believe we kissed. I didn’t know what to do. I mean I wasn’t used to men actually being thoughtful creatures. I had to tell someone but who? I just decided to put a group APB out to the besties. Andi said it was cute. Nyla said it was nice. Robii said I should just sleep with him now and get it over with. And oddly I appreciated this advice the most hehehe Robii and my humor work on similar wavelengths and I would have definitely thought it if she hadn’t said lol I felt special and I was glad. I felt like an adolescent experiencing their first crush. But then the adult side of me kicked in. What if I’m reading way too deeply into things than Kyle. What if I thought it was going somewhere and it wasn’t? I couldn’t stand the thought that I might actually like him a lot more than he liked me. I hated it! When I’m not with Kyle I’m sad. It bothers me. But when he’s not with me it doesn’t seem to affect him as much. Maybe guys are just like that. And I still wished he would text more sappy things to me lol He had a good start with “miss you already” but how about some “I can’t stop thinking about yous” or some “can’t wait to see you agains.” I’m such a brat! Lol Kyle must be thinking what a pushy obsessive girl I have on my hands. Poor Kyle. Lol But I’m worth it *sticks out tongue* Silly how adults still play childish games.


So finally Saturday rolls by. I began to have second thoughts about this game nite event. Did I really want to go through with this? What if no one talked to me? Would I fit in? I took a gulp and mustered up some courage and decided to go. After getting lost a couple times and almost ending up in several accidents I finally made it to the venue. My nerves were extremely shaken and there was a moment of hesitation before I entered the bar. I shook it off and entered. I introduced myself to a few people and it was a little awkward at first but soon I was playing Uno with a few people. In an hour’s time I was having drinks and yelling while playing Battle of the Sexes. It was really fun and I met lots of cool black professionals. I was playing games with executives and senior VPs. It definitely made me want to step my job placement up lol There we all were. Successful black folks who received numerous accomplishments. Letting go of judgments and preconceived notions. All grown folks, playing games like kids.


Then we come to today. I didn’t do much. After the gathering last night I decided to do some job hunting via Monster. It was nice to be able to search numerous job postings and see how many I excel at. I know I often worry about my future but there’s one thing that will hopefully always stay with me, my childlike sense of wonder. I try to approach every situation with a light hearted attitude.  Many say my silly personality is one of the best things about me. Though I’ve grown up a lot since college and even in these few months of 2011 I’ve found the most work I’ve done is trying to hold on to that last bit of innocence. Think about it. As we get older it gets harder and harder to just have a good time. Married people hardly ever have sex and we all know how much fun that is. It’s times like this where we’ve got to work hard on our sense of play. And you can rest assured that this girl will work hard on wrangling in her fun times! Until then, I’ll be here. Blogging it all and for the next hundred odd something days will be working hard while getting no play…Viva La Humping Strike!  



Vonnie Out!

Thu, Mar. 3rd, 2011, 10:02 pm
Random Posts or Tweets

It's been a while my little minions so I had to bring back the random posts or tweets. This random rant is actually visual.....Oooooo  lol IDK I've just been really into YouTube lately lol Enjoy!

Tue, Mar. 1st, 2011, 10:45 pm
Back For the 1st Time Video Blog!!! Vibrators, Friends, and a Lil Bit of Dating

Here it is my 2nd video blog entry! Enjoy!!! This is sort of an homage to Angus, Thongs, and Full Frontal Snogging. A very good book.

Part 1

Part 2

Tue, Mar. 1st, 2011, 10:13 am
Day 60: The Joy of Living! (The Entry That Almost Wasn’t!)

*in my Julia Child voice* Bon Jour and Welcome to this week’s episode of The Joy of Living! I am the mistress of the kitchen that is your life. I assure you that after reading this you will have a zest and appetite for life! Lol Hello my minions! Wow! Where has the time gone! It has absolutely pained me to be away from my blog! But as a special treat I will be giving you a combo! I will be completing a regular blog entry as well as a video blog entry entitled “Back for the 1st Time: Vibrators, Friends, and a Lil bit of Dating.”   


I know I’ve been getting away from the original movement which was one single girl. Going on a journey. A six month “humping” strike. The movement is still going but not so strong lol I must say it has been a tough two months. I miss sex. I miss penis going into vagina! Ugh! But seriously I don’t just miss the act as much as the intimacy that goes along with it. Sometimes during this I wish I could have like a “Get Off a Dick” Free Card. Lol Even if I did want to backslide my reserve penis has all but run dry. Allow me to explain


If you don’t know by now women are quite clever creatures. And aside from knowing how to take a bra off without taking your shirt off most women have developed a reserve penis supply. Think, an “intercourse refrigerator” or if you’re into sports your “starting five.” Whatever you want to call it most women have a select number of men that they store in their phones just in case they need somebody to get it cooking and I KNOW you know what I mean. We grown. Shit, I used to be one of them. Lol Mine were mostly used after a night out in club and I needed a bit more stimulation from the evening. But after many heartbreaks and possible restraining orders my reserve penis supply all but simmered away.



So back to what’s happened in the world of Vonnie. Let me look back in the recipe book. Ok. One part girl talk. Too many single girl nites. A pinch of confusion. A whole of heap of horniness. And viola!



So back circa two weeks ago I was chilling lol I was going to work and doing errands and what not. Right smack dab in the week I got a jolt of excitement. I went on my first date in nearly four months. It wasn't grand or anything but for me the fact that I didn’t have to call one of my besties afterwards and tell her to alert the authorities was a wonder. Things between Kyle and I were going well. We talked regularly and always had a good laugh. The same was true for our date. It was refreshing to just “be.” And with a normal guy for once. I thought it was ultra classy that when I went to the bathroom he paid for the check without me knowing. I’ve had so many bad flashbacks when it comes to check time. Either the guy all of a sudden just realized that he doesn’t have his debit card or I get the “so what you give me if I pay this tab” stare. My date was seamless. We literally closed the place down. So of course doom was not far by.


That Friday (2/18) I had boy on the brain as usual. Kyle had been constantly going through my mind. I was afraid to fall for a guy. I didn’t want my feelings not to be returned or push him away by being clingy. But I’ve lost of potential happiness by trying to save face. One of the mantras I’ve developed is “Feel Your Feelings!” no matter what they are feel whatever you feel at that time. I’ve done a lot more damage to myself by holding back my feelings than just letting it out as it comes. That Friday I decided to be on some random shit and have a Single Girl Friday. I felt like I depended on my friends a lot for support and to make my life fun but I had to know that I could have a fun time by myself.


First on the menu was kite flying. Yes. Flying a muthafucking kite. After many failed attempts and tangled string I discovered flying a kite was more difficult than I had remembered lol Afterwards I did a little window shopping at the mall. I was pleased to bring home a much needed addition to my underwear draw. A new vibrator! I had all but worn out the other one….what? Shit I said I was celibate not a nun. After the mall I had decided to check out a local bar that had karaoke. I was nearly mortified to find that I was literally the only black person in attendance. But that was cool because I know how to fit in anywhere so I decided not to punk out so easily. But after nearly an hour of nonstop country music or between the drunk white man who just had to try to hit on the only negro in the room. I decided to tuck tail and make a break for it. That Single Girl Friday was definitely a FAIL.


The next day was exceedingly better. My bestie Robii called us all up and told us we simply had to hit up one of the best drinking spots up north. We all hit up Killer Margarita which was a very appropriate name because my $12 margarita was certainly a monster! I downed that whole thing and was tore up! After we left Me, Robii, Eve, and their friend Valencia decided that our tipsy induced night could not be over so we decided to engage in some chi-town fuckery by going to a local hood rat establishment known as Loristo’s. Eve had an “in” at the club so we knew we would get in. As we zoomed down Lake Shore Drive all high and bubbly from our drinks we did what all silly girls do when in the car with their friends. We cranked up some Nicki Minaj and muddled her crazy lyrics at the top of our lungs. As we listened to “Moment 4 Life” I couldn’t help but think it was a perfect song for the time we were having. Through thick and thin my besties have been by my side. They held me up when I knew I’d surely fall. Just like a perfectly cooked dish when I was with them, all of our flavors blended together. And for a moment I thought back to the previous summer.

I thought about that motorcycle ride. I thought for sure I’d fall off. The wind blowing violently against my body. I was struggling to hold on to him. Hoping he wouldn’t let me go. What seemed like a simple motorcycle ride had no way of alerting me to the future of heartbreak that was ahead of me. I used to think back to that image and cry. But in that instant, partying with my friends. A bright future ahead of me. A better and newer happier me. I couldn’t shed a tear on that. Lake Shore Drive going south was once a terrible street. But as we rode along and singing our songs we had simultaneously erased those terrible motorcycle tracks and instead printed a long lasting design of friendship. Well. We didn’t get into Loristo’s that night but we still had a great time.


Ok…after that some stuff happened and what not lol Dice up some family time. Cook some freaky thoughts and let the idea of a boyfriend simmer…When I think about it now if I could liken last week to anything it would be to kneading dough. Expanding. Then shrinking. Expanding. Then shrinking again.  


Like I mentioned things between Kyle and I were going well. But I kept debating about how he felt about me. I like a lot of attention and when I don’t receive it I start to panic. I think of what I may be doing wrong and start coming up with theories about why and next thing I know I’m sweating in a corner muttering “boyfriend, boyfriend” repeatedly. Not a pretty site. My thoughts were abruptly halted by a disturbing site. As I opened a text message on my U.S. Cellular mobile device I was exposed to flesh and balls! And a little caption that stated “You Trade Pics?” *In Charlie Brown Voice* Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh My eyes did NOT need to witness that sight. Turns out after some exchange he had been a guy I met months ago at a bar. I absolutely detest the idea of calling or texting someone after months of no exchange. What do you think I was doing this entire time? Sitting on a stoop waiting for you to free me? No! I’ve been living life. Getting Drunk. Shaking my ass! Why do you find it necessary to drop me a line? Ew. After that craziness it really made me long for a boyfriend. I let the idea stew.


I thought of how wonderful it would be to have a big supportive boyfriend. Someone who could be forceful but know how to be caring. Someone who could be a gentleman but know how to be freaky. Apparently I let the idea stew too long because eventually it boiled over.


I forgot that I wasn’t too good at cooking let alone living. On Saturday even despite the wonderful girls nite I had Friday I was lonely. I convinced myself that Kyle thought I was nothing but more than an oven timer. Something to keep the time while the real meal was being prepared. I wallowed in my failed dish then I remembered something. I remembered a rat. More specifically I remembered the rat in the movie Ratatouille. The message he held so dear to. “Everyone can cook.” It’s true you know. Even I have been known to turn out an acceptable tasting dish or two lol and the same is for living. It’s never too late to make a change and start enjoying life. Dude, forget all those self-help books that make you wallow in your past fails. What’s important is living for today! Wake up every day and say I’m gonna try to make this the best day. That shit don’t happen wake up tomorrow, God willing, and do better than before. Who knows you may evidently create your own signature dish on life.


This has been your Mistress Chef and we are out of time for this episode but remember, anyone can just live….but not everyone can live life LIVE! May your drinks be strong, may your cup runeth over with bountiful blessings, and may you always know love.


Bon Appetit! 

Vonnie Out!

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